One of the male rites of passage is to become a father. The day my son was born was the first day of my new life. My journey to being a dad was a little longer than most and filled with so many lessons.
My wife and I spent a few years unsuccessfully trying to have children. We lost hope. We felt defeated. We hit rock bottom. Our struggle was sucking the life out of our relationship. We tried to escape our emotions and by creating distractions from our struggles.
We buried ourselves in our jobs. We bought higher end material goods. We traveled more. We withdrew from interaction with our friends. None of these actions satisfied our true emotional needs. We were too self-absorbed in our individual sorrow to see what we really needed.
I convinced myself that if God meant for us to have children, we would. My wife wanted to pursue other options. I resisted them. I put up every argument you can image. I hunkered down in my self-pity and disappointment. My wife patiently waited me out.
In the fall of 2002, she convinced me to try IVF. Unknowingly to her, I went internally kicking and screaming through the process. You see, I was resigned to a certain outcome. If it is meant to be, then it will happen. I did it for Anne.
Outwardly, I was confidently strong and told Anne we were going to be successful. We were meant to be parents and good parents we shall be.
I remember the big day…I had not felt nerves like that since our wedding day eight years earlier. Dr. Gordon showed us a picture of the eggs…he called one of them our little superstar. He put on his favorite song and away we went. Quick, simple, and painless.
Two weeks passed before our next check up. Talk about nervous anxiety. Anne and I spent a lot of time reassuring each other this was going to work. The test results can back positive, but we still did not know for sure. We had to wait another two weeks before we could celebrate.
What happened next for me still puzzles me to this day. I was numb to it all. I had no emotional connection to the pending birth of my son. Nothing through all the ultrasounds. Nothing through the Lamaze class. Nothing through the decorating of the nursery. Nothing during the baby shower. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. What was wrong with me?
I think the best rationalization I can come up with is I was in denial and I was escaping from the reality of the moment. I guess it should come as no surprise to me, I had emotionally checked out to having kids a few years earlier.
On July 29, 2003, my life began again. Everything changed the moment I first held Riley.
My relationship with my spouse changed. My relationship with work changed. My relationship with my friends changed. My relationship with myself changed. Even if I did not know it at the time, all these changes were for the better.
All I needed was to figure out how to integrate all my life parts together. I had to figure out how to live again. Luckily, I had a son and a wonderful wife to help show me the way.
Seven years and three boys later, I am still learning every day what it means to be a father.
Fatherhood has been a life changing experience for me. Having kids is one of the greatest joys a man can experience.
Welcome to Being A Dad!
If you are a Dad, then you have a story to tell. Please share your story in the comment section below.
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