I’ve spent much of my life trying to find a perfect balance between “I have to do X” and “I want to do Y.”  As a result, I’ve often denied myself an opportunity to live and really enjoy the present moment.

Every activity can be viewed as have to, want to, or get to. 

“Have to” energy drains the life out of us. Obligation and responsibility fills our being. We act to meet other’s expectations and not our own.  We do to do. We give a small piece of our selves away every time we choose to view an activity as “have to.” “Have to” activities hold us in the past.

“Want to” energy is filled with hope, optimism, and excitement. Goals and dreams live in this realm. A positive experience with fulfilling our “wants” builds our confidence, fearlessness, and drives our self-beliefs on what we see as possible. Conversely, our negative experience with not fulfilling our desires fills our world with frustration and regret. “Want to” ideology only works when we can turn them into “get to” action. Without this step, we live in a fantasy world.

We can dream about what we want, but what’s the point unless we are willing to take action?

“Get to” energy is action oriented langage designed for living in the now. Imagine experiencing every activity as it is and not as we want it to be or it has to be. Reframing how we see “have to” or “want to” activities makes all the difference. Fully present in the moment, we are more aware and can easily let go of any preconceived expectations. We can be free of our self limiting beliefs. We can be grateful for all that exists in this moment. Nothing else matters. Living with “get to” energy is a privilege worth pursuing.

Everyday changes are new opportunities where we get to…

The only thing certain in life, is change.  Finding ways to transition through changes is how we evolve. Forward momentum comes from changing our relationship to present moment. When we are present, we can change our perspective to what is possible. We can stop resisting life and start living it.

Today, I get to shift my being from “Have to” energy to “Get to” energy.  

Will you join me in making this shift?

Today, you get to…

Participating the first 11 days of the #reverb10 challenge has been more fun than I could have anticipated.  Every day, participants are given a topic to write on. Telling stories through personal experience is a stimulating way to write. Sharing stories is a chance for us to connect with each other.

Today, suggested topic rubs me the wrong way.

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

(Author: Sam Davidson)

Davidson aims to help us boost our lives by creating a plan of action for clearing out things we don’t want.  He believes in eliminating distractions to find your passions. We share the same intention, to help people find their passions and live their dreams. I don’t know anything about him, but I like him.

I have a natural resistance to his questions. Do you?

We have an emotional attachment to those 11 things. To remove them, we need to remove the underlying power they hold on us. There’s a good chance many of the 11 planned removal items are tied to one belief.

Simply showing the items the back door will not change the belief all by itself.

Focusing on 11 things doesn’t go far enough. The questions ask us to spend our time and energy on things we don’t want. Why would we want to do that?

Will this approach change anything? Will there just be new things we want to get rid of? When does it end?

How many times have you dumped a relationship only to find yourself back in the same relationship again? Changed jobs and still been dissatisfied. Cleaned out the garage and found it cluttered weeks later.  Lost weight and put it right back on.

For lasting change we need to replace our core beliefs with new beliefs that support what we need.

When it comes to creating new beliefs about our self, there are no silver bullets. We have choices to makes. We can focus on things we’d like to get rid of or we can begin to write a new story for ourselves. We can focus on the opportunities we have.

We can start by re-writing this assignment.

What are 11 things your life needs in 2011? What do you need to make this happen? Who do you know who can help you bring these 11 things to life?

We can choose to focus on our opportunities not our obstacles.

As we approach the holiday season, there are more and more parties to attend. I find social gatherings awkwardly stimulating. Do you?

People tend to sit in two camps, do I have to go, and let’s get this party started. I find myself teeter totting between the camps. Some events I will not miss for the world. Others, I want to avoid like the plague at the first invite words.

What is my resistance costing me?

I’ve come to believe that if I am resisting something it is a sure sign I am supposed to be doing it.  My resistance comes from all kinds of symptoms.

Here are a few stories I have told myself over the years.

I don’t like to:

• Hang out in crowds.  (Truth: Once I’m there, I’m a social butterfly)
• Talk to strangers (Truth: They won’t bite; everyone is interesting)
• Dress up (Truth: Jacket and tie…hmm…I don’t really mind it)
• Take time away from family time (Truth: Family is first. Exceptions can be made)

I could write a much more extensive list, but I won’t.  I’m sure you can add to the list on your own.

I think exploring the topic of resistance is an interesting but always leads me back to self-denial. What are we denying our selves?

What we resist is most likely exactly what we need.

There is a strong chance that we will truly enjoy the thing we are resisting. When resisting, we quickly generate lots of excuses for “why not.” Our excuses are roadblocks to action.

Our excuses are premeditated disappointments.

What? Who am I disappointing? There is only one person that could be.

YOU

Truth is, we have nothing to gain by resisting and making excuses.  We are just denying our unrecognized needs.

Next time you are making excuses for something you are resisting, notice what you are feeling. Seek to understand why you are making excuses.

Find a way to honor your unrecognized needs.

I look forward to see you at the next party.  I’ll be the guy waiting to talk to you.

Letting go of the stories we tell ourselves requires courage and commitment. A unstoppable willingness to move past the stories that do not serve us. To let go, we can’t just simply ignore and stuff them in the closet. We have to bring them out in the open and shine a light on them.

The rewards that await us cannot happen without allowing ourselves to experience the darkness our stories hold. Only then can we reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

Our perception of our reality is what needs to be let go of.

The stories we tell ourselves are not our reality. They are just stories we cling to. Our stories have the power to limit or expand how we define ourselves. When we talk about letting go, we are really talking about releasing ourselves from the emotional hold stories have on our current perception of our reality.

Release and the light will shine brightly.

Letting go is an ever-evolving process. Our everyday stories are intertwined with the core fundamental stories that are holding us back. As we release one story from our dominant pattern of behavior, another one is sure to replace it. Our individual story patterns are inner related to each other.

Successful letting go comes by avoiding story isolation and building a supporting pattern of beliefs.  Ultimately, identifying our core story creates an expansive space for us to remove the power that story currently holds and returns us to our desired state of being.

We expand our possibilities by changing our story, by changing the current relationship with ourselves and with the world we live in.

Allow me to share a story I told myself. For a long time, this story held great power of me. I believed the story to be true. I challenged and rejected anyone who said it wasn’t.

I’m not exactly sure when this story took root. Best I can tell is 7^th grade. When is not as important as the story itself. Here’s the story.

I am a terrible writer. My grammar skills suck. I can’t spell. I don’t need to write.

This story contains nothing but darkness. Negative vibes radiate in my body as I typed those words. I can’t believe I lived with this story as long as I did.

Deep in my soul, I knew this story was complete rubbish. Gut feelings aside, I never took action to formally debunk and put it to rest. Many college professors encouraged me to write. They told me I had a gift. They told me I shined when my words appeared on paper. They gave me hope.

Hope provides a flicker of light in the tunnel of darkness.

Despite hope, I graduated from college and stopped writing on a regular basis.

I started writing again a little over two years ago. At first, I wrote for classes I was taking. Then, I wrote for me.  In August of 2009, I began publishing a blog as part of my business website. While I enjoyed telling stories and publishing articles, my story had not changed. I still did not think of myself as a writer.

Last spring, as the flowers bloomed, so did I. I emerged from the darkness. I am a writer.

What story do you need to let go of?

Distractions? What distractions?

In the last 30 minutes alone, I’ve been distracted by Twitter, Facebook, RSS feeds, dinner, kids, and my loving wife.

Where’s my focus?

Before you get the wrong impression, they are NOT unwanted distractions. They are simply distractions from pure focus on what I most want to do in this moment.

WRITE

Truth be known, I can find distractions a lot easier than I can find time to write. My attention span is either unwavering laser focus or well, what were we talking about?

Case in point…I just finished the previous sentence. Got up. Walk to the kitchen. Fixed a cup of tea and tweeted this:

The art of longing and the art of belonging must be experienced in life – Yogi Tea

Distracted? Not so much.  Ha!

The first step in overcoming a challenge is to admit you have a problem.

Hi. My name is David McGraw and I struggle to maintain focus when I want to write.

Next step is critical, a fool proof plan of action.

In order to bring more focus to my writing I will take the following three steps every time I set down to write.  I will

1.     Improve my writing environment. Close the door. Turn on inspiring music.

2.     Turn off electronic distractions. Close e-mail. Close browsers. Hide my phone. Disconnect from the outside world.  (Secret: This one scares me)

3.     Daily writing.  Doesn’t matter what or when I write, I will write everyday for one hour.

No plan of action is complete without a firm commitment.

I, David McGraw commit to one hour of distraction free writing every day.

See how easy that was?  I can do this. So can you.

What writing commitment will you commit to?

Life handed me a basket of lemons and I do not want to make lemonade. I want to be mad! I want to pout. I want to cry. I want to scream out loud, “YOU’RE NOT FAIR…YOU SUCK!!!!!!” Life’s unfair!

Ever feel this way? Me too. We face the fairness dilemma every day like clockwork. The lack of fairness shows up in our lives in many forms of dishonesty, bias, superiority, injustice, or blame.

We were not born pre-equipped to handle fairness and be compassionate. Nor are we entitled to these character traits. We must develop these values through life experiences as we emotionally grow up.

A lot of frustration and sadness we experience comes directly from our perceived lack of fairness in the world. We transform these experiences into negative feelings. Negativity may provide some short-term sense of satisfaction, but it does not benefit us in any way shape or form. All destructive reactions do is reinforce our unwanted perceptions and expectations. Their continued presence propitiate more and more self-inflicted wounds.

Negative feelings suck all the motivation and momentum out of our forward progress. Negative feelings are the opportunity we have been waiting for. If we act quickly, we can locate the driving force behind what triggers this repeated experience. We have an opportunity to change the story we have been telling ourselves.  Change will restore our energy and enthusiasm for all the good that is in our lives.  Change will restore our forward progress. 

Consider this story.

Steve plays on an all-star travel team. He works hard and trains non-stop. He dominates practice, but cannot get playing time during the games. He is stuck behind the coach’s son (John) on the depth chart. Steve felt he was being treated unfairly.  He is angry with the coach. He is rude and mean to John. Steve believes   nothing is fair in life. No matter what he does, he will not get to play. He punishes himself and quits the team.

How could Steve have addressed his issues with fairness?

He could have… 

• Shared his feelings with his coach, parents, etc.
• Accepted and respected his coaches decision
• Accepted responsibility for his actions and behavior
• Thought about how his decision affected others
• Played by the rules

Unless Steve takes action to change his belief about this life event, his decision will most likely haunt him the rest of his life.  When he fails to get a promotion at work, he will probably emotionally checkout and find another job. He will continually see biased behavior in his life whether it is there or not. 

This one experience will be continually reinforced in his life because he expects it to occur. The pattern will continue until Steve puts an end to it.

People who proactively address their negative emotions are more aware of when their emotions are clouding their actions and judgment. They stop themselves from committing unforced errors. They accept people and situations for what they are. They accept themselves as they are. Compassion rules the day.

Compassion breaks down any judgment we hold and allows us to open our hearts to those around us.  We see ourselves as one with our fellow-man. We take proactive action to help each other practice these principles.  We find freedom in compassion.

Honor your feelings. Explore them. Have compassion for yourself and fellow-man. 

How has fairness influenced your life?

Are you bored and feel the need to be entertained?

Peter Bregman wrote a thought-provoking article last week in the Harvard Business Review entitled “Why I returned my iPad.”

The premise is the iPad is too good. It is an escape boredom device that distracts us from reaching a state of boredom that triggers our most creative capabilities.

Much of the parenting advice I have heard of the last few years flies in the face of this premise.  Keep your kids busy. When they start to mix it up, distract them into another activities quickly. Whatever you do, don’t let them get bored.

Have you heard those parenting advice tales?

I will not argue these tactics don’t work. I will argue using them kills creative imagination.

Recently, I took the Wii away from my boys.  Problem was, every time they got bored, they played Wii, then they would fight, then the parents felt compelled to intervene or check out and ignore the situation. Wii was sometimes a tool to enable us parents to get something done around the house or intentionally check out.

Have you done this yourself?

In a few short days, removing Wii has changed our family interaction for the better. My 3 boys are playing outside more, interacting with their neighborhood friends, building legos, having Bakugan battles, started playing tennis, doing more artwork, and returning to pre-Wii life. A life where they are using their creative imagination to escape boredom.

Guess what else has happened, my wife and I have checked back in.

The brilliant Kurt Cobain sung a very poignant line in Nirvana’s 1991 classic Smells like Teen Spirit. He said, “Here we are now, now entertain us.”  That line stuck out to me then and it still sticks with me today. I may choose to use distraction to escape my boredom. Too much is at risk for me to rely on distractions to entertain my kids.

Wii was a distraction for my family. The iPad was a distraction for Peter Bergman.

Find a way to limit your distractions. Embrace your boredom. Allow your creative juices to flow. You will be surprised what emerges.

What does escaping your boredom cost you?

We are a familiar with the catch phrase…Lights, Camera, Action. Most of us attribute this to the movies or television.  Everything in life can be translated into another domain.

For instance, we can simply deploy this concept and change a pattern or situation in our life.

We begin by shining a light on it;

Next, we whip out our camera and take a snapshot of our future;

Finally, we take action to move closer to our desired future.

Did you see how easy that was? Ok, maybe you need a little more explanation.

Shining a light is self-awareness. Awareness clarifies how we see the world and how the world see us through the lens of what has occurred in our life up to this moment. Whatever we discover is neither good nor bad. It just is what it is without judgment.

Self-awareness expands our perspective, creates new possibilities, and generally makes it easy to amplify our life’s journey. Awareness is our green screen for limitless choices. We can choose to change our relationship with our discoveries or leave them as they are. The choice is ours and only ours to make.

Assuming change is what we want, we need a plan to get there. We need to remove the green screen and replace it with a picture of us in our future.

Go ahead…I double dare you to whip out your camera and take a snapshot of your future.  Are you up to the challenge?

Describe it in as much vivid detail as you can.

• What does your future snapshot look like?
• What are the top 10 reasons you want to achieve X?
• What rewards do you expect to receive along your journey?  (could be knowledge, experience, something more tangible).
• What challenges do you expect to face? Who can give you support or help along the way?
• What qualities will allow you to survive these obstacles?
• What will be different in your world when you have achieved your goal? How will it affect others around you?
• What are you going to do to make sure your journey is FUN?

You have all you need to be successful in this journey right now.  You are not lacking anything. Any resources you may need will magically appear when you need them.

Our marvelously scripted screenplay is worthless without bringing it to life. Action is required. We must commit to designing and practicing actions that move us closer to our desired future.

Action builds momentum, creating the required inertia to propel us on the road to achieving what we desire. Our envisioned future begins with a commitment to take action. We commit to learn new skills or behaviors. We commit to practicing what we want to learn. We are what we practice. We become what we practice.

If the practice is the right practice for our learning, then we must continue to practice until we embodied the practice.  If our intended results are not achieved by this practice, then we need to revisit and redesign our actions.

Even if you fail, you are a success. We learn from all our experiences. Our commitment to action is what’s important. Your success depends on you being responsible for your actions and inactions.  Do not let anything or anyone get in your way of success.

Your present self is afraid of your future self!

What are you accepting in your life?

Huh? What in the world, am I asking?  Sure, I admit this is a vague open-ended question. I assure you it has a very simple yet complex answer.  Well, at least that is my expectation.

Acceptance is the ability to find safety and comfort to be who we are in the world.

We spoke last time about resistance being the doorway to action . We cannot step into the doorway and begin breaking down our barriers of resistance without accepting situations and ourselves, as they are, nothing more, nothing less.

When we accept, we exercise patience, compassion, and generosity.  We are more curious about the world we live and present with who we truly are. We naturally establish and maintain healthy personal boundaries. We allow people and situations to come and go without disrupting our overall happiness and flow in the world.

Theoretically, this all makes sense and seems relatively easy to understand, so why is it so hard to accomplish?

Humans have this thing called expectations we carry around with us. They affect the outcome of everything we observe and experience.  Expectations are entrenched in stories we tell ourselves. They are mental debris that weight us down and suck the energy and focus from what we want.

Have you ever noticed how your expectations leave a sour taste in our mouth when things do not go as you planned?  How much excess weight are you unnecessarily carrying around with you?

The world does not care about your expectations, or mine.

The only expectations we can try to satisfy is our own.  Yet, we routinely place our unspoken expectations on people and situations.  We are unknowingly sacrificing our own happiness.

We can learn to let go of our expectations and allow life to unfold. We alone are responsible for our lives. We can learn to allow. We can remove our judgment, expectations, and conditions of satisfaction from our experience. We can remove the burden of expectations we carry around with us. We can learn to experience people and situations from a first timer’s point of view.

We can unconditionally accept people, situations, and ourselves from who we are.  

Think it is impossible, what is stopping you from trying to be more unconditionally accepting?

“Resisting something is a sure sign you are supposed to be doing it. The greater your resistance, the more important it is to you.”

A few weeks ago, I tweeted this thought. Today, I am still grappling with it as much as I was when I originally wrote it.

Do you feel some resistance to it as well?

I thought you might.  I invite you to read my thoughts and add your own. Together, we can explore the validity of this concept. Deal?  Here goes.

When something we have not accepted as a given for ourselves enters our awareness, our natural human inclination kicks in and we begin to erect the walls of resistance.

We may become defensive, take things personally, make excuses, and justify our actions. More importantly, we will most likely close ourselves to new ideas, other people’s perspective, and further entrench ourselves in our current understanding and stance. We withdraw from the conversation and start to protect ourselves.

Our language continues to spew out rationalizations, complaints, and outspoken opposition. Emotionally, we harbor feelings of blame, shame, guilt, jealousy, pessimism, frustration, anger, and depression.

The stronger our emotional reaction, the more likely our resistance is related to a core challenge we face in life.

Emotional warning signs are opportunities to examine aspects of our lives that are holding us back. We welcome what we allow. We resent what we resist. This is a perfect time to allow something new to emerge in our lives.

If we choose to meet these opportunities with the same type of resistance we have been discussing, then we ensure a quick trip to the back of the life learning line. Awareness opportunities are neither good nor bad. They are simply a chance to learn something new about us and to make a choice without self-judgment.

New awareness opens the doorway to new possibilities for us. Our thirst for change awakens and our creative juices freely flow. We no longer resist the unknown. We make a friend of change. We trust the choices we make. We live more freely.

What do you think?  Did this strike you in any particular way? What emotion are you feeling?

Do not resist the urge to leave a comment, let it out.  Sharing our point of view adds to the community conversation in ways we cannot imagine.  I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the concept at hand.