Life handed me a basket of lemons and I do not want to make lemonade. I want to be mad! I want to pout. I want to cry. I want to scream out loud, “YOU’RE NOT FAIR…YOU SUCK!!!!!!” Life’s unfair!

Ever feel this way? Me too. We face the fairness dilemma every day like clockwork. The lack of fairness shows up in our lives in many forms of dishonesty, bias, superiority, injustice, or blame.

We were not born pre-equipped to handle fairness and be compassionate. Nor are we entitled to these character traits. We must develop these values through life experiences as we emotionally grow up.

A lot of frustration and sadness we experience comes directly from our perceived lack of fairness in the world. We transform these experiences into negative feelings. Negativity may provide some short-term sense of satisfaction, but it does not benefit us in any way shape or form. All destructive reactions do is reinforce our unwanted perceptions and expectations. Their continued presence propitiate more and more self-inflicted wounds.

Negative feelings suck all the motivation and momentum out of our forward progress. Negative feelings are the opportunity we have been waiting for. If we act quickly, we can locate the driving force behind what triggers this repeated experience. We have an opportunity to change the story we have been telling ourselves.  Change will restore our energy and enthusiasm for all the good that is in our lives.  Change will restore our forward progress. 

Consider this story.

Steve plays on an all-star travel team. He works hard and trains non-stop. He dominates practice, but cannot get playing time during the games. He is stuck behind the coach’s son (John) on the depth chart. Steve felt he was being treated unfairly.  He is angry with the coach. He is rude and mean to John. Steve believes   nothing is fair in life. No matter what he does, he will not get to play. He punishes himself and quits the team.

How could Steve have addressed his issues with fairness?

He could have… 

• Shared his feelings with his coach, parents, etc.
• Accepted and respected his coaches decision
• Accepted responsibility for his actions and behavior
• Thought about how his decision affected others
• Played by the rules

Unless Steve takes action to change his belief about this life event, his decision will most likely haunt him the rest of his life.  When he fails to get a promotion at work, he will probably emotionally checkout and find another job. He will continually see biased behavior in his life whether it is there or not. 

This one experience will be continually reinforced in his life because he expects it to occur. The pattern will continue until Steve puts an end to it.

People who proactively address their negative emotions are more aware of when their emotions are clouding their actions and judgment. They stop themselves from committing unforced errors. They accept people and situations for what they are. They accept themselves as they are. Compassion rules the day.

Compassion breaks down any judgment we hold and allows us to open our hearts to those around us.  We see ourselves as one with our fellow-man. We take proactive action to help each other practice these principles.  We find freedom in compassion.

Honor your feelings. Explore them. Have compassion for yourself and fellow-man. 

How has fairness influenced your life?

Related posts:

1. New Perspective
2. You will remember today forever
3. Being a Dad changed my life forever

Are you bored and feel the need to be entertained?

Peter Bregman wrote a thought-provoking article last week in the Harvard Business Review entitled “Why I returned my iPad.”

The premise is the iPad is too good. It is an escape boredom device that distracts us from reaching a state of boredom that triggers our most creative capabilities.

Much of the parenting advice I have heard of the last few years flies in the face of this premise.  Keep your kids busy. When they start to mix it up, distract them into another activities quickly. Whatever you do, don’t let them get bored.

Have you heard those parenting advice tales?

I will not argue these tactics don’t work. I will argue using them kills creative imagination.

Recently, I took the Wii away from my boys.  Problem was, every time they got bored, they played Wii, then they would fight, then the parents felt compelled to intervene or check out and ignore the situation. Wii was sometimes a tool to enable us parents to get something done around the house or intentionally check out.

Have you done this yourself?

In a few short days, removing Wii has changed our family interaction for the better. My 3 boys are playing outside more, interacting with their neighborhood friends, building legos, having Bakugan battles, started playing tennis, doing more artwork, and returning to pre-Wii life. A life where they are using their creative imagination to escape boredom.

Guess what else has happened, my wife and I have checked back in.

The brilliant Kurt Cobain sung a very poignant line in Nirvana’s 1991 classic Smells like Teen Spirit. He said, “Here we are now, now entertain us.”  That line stuck out to me then and it still sticks with me today. I may choose to use distraction to escape my boredom. Too much is at risk for me to rely on distractions to entertain my kids.

Wii was a distraction for my family. The iPad was a distraction for Peter Bergman.

Find a way to limit your distractions. Embrace your boredom. Allow your creative juices to flow. You will be surprised what emerges.

What does escaping your boredom cost you?

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1. Being a Dad changed my life forever
2. Noises here, noises there, noises everywhere

We are a familiar with the catch phrase…Lights, Camera, Action. Most of us attribute this to the movies or television.  Everything in life can be translated into another domain.

For instance, we can simply deploy this concept and change a pattern or situation in our life.

We begin by shining a light on it;

Next, we whip out our camera and take a snapshot of our future;

Finally, we take action to move closer to our desired future.

Did you see how easy that was? Ok, maybe you need a little more explanation.

Shining a light is self-awareness. Awareness clarifies how we see the world and how the world see us through the lens of what has occurred in our life up to this moment. Whatever we discover is neither good nor bad. It just is what it is without judgment.

Self-awareness expands our perspective, creates new possibilities, and generally makes it easy to amplify our life’s journey. Awareness is our green screen for limitless choices. We can choose to change our relationship with our discoveries or leave them as they are. The choice is ours and only ours to make.

Assuming change is what we want, we need a plan to get there. We need to remove the green screen and replace it with a picture of us in our future.

Go ahead…I double dare you to whip out your camera and take a snapshot of your future.  Are you up to the challenge?

Describe it in as much vivid detail as you can.

• What does your future snapshot look like?
• What are the top 10 reasons you want to achieve X?
• What rewards do you expect to receive along your journey?  (could be knowledge, experience, something more tangible).
• What challenges do you expect to face? Who can give you support or help along the way?
• What qualities will allow you to survive these obstacles?
• What will be different in your world when you have achieved your goal? How will it affect others around you?
• What are you going to do to make sure your journey is FUN?

You have all you need to be successful in this journey right now.  You are not lacking anything. Any resources you may need will magically appear when you need them.

Our marvelously scripted screenplay is worthless without bringing it to life. Action is required. We must commit to designing and practicing actions that move us closer to our desired future.

Action builds momentum, creating the required inertia to propel us on the road to achieving what we desire. Our envisioned future begins with a commitment to take action. We commit to learn new skills or behaviors. We commit to practicing what we want to learn. We are what we practice. We become what we practice.

If the practice is the right practice for our learning, then we must continue to practice until we embodied the practice.  If our intended results are not achieved by this practice, then we need to revisit and redesign our actions.

Even if you fail, you are a success. We learn from all our experiences. Our commitment to action is what’s important. Your success depends on you being responsible for your actions and inactions.  Do not let anything or anyone get in your way of success.

Your present self is afraid of your future self!

Related posts:

1. Resistance is the doorway to action
2. Unwanted Behaviors

What are you accepting in your life?

Huh? What in the world, am I asking?  Sure, I admit this is a vague open-ended question. I assure you it has a very simple yet complex answer.  Well, at least that is my expectation.

Acceptance is the ability to find safety and comfort to be who we are in the world.

We spoke last time about resistance being the doorway to action . We cannot step into the doorway and begin breaking down our barriers of resistance without accepting situations and ourselves, as they are, nothing more, nothing less.

When we accept, we exercise patience, compassion, and generosity.  We are more curious about the world we live and present with who we truly are. We naturally establish and maintain healthy personal boundaries. We allow people and situations to come and go without disrupting our overall happiness and flow in the world.

Theoretically, this all makes sense and seems relatively easy to understand, so why is it so hard to accomplish?

Humans have this thing called expectations we carry around with us. They affect the outcome of everything we observe and experience.  Expectations are entrenched in stories we tell ourselves. They are mental debris that weight us down and suck the energy and focus from what we want.

Have you ever noticed how your expectations leave a sour taste in our mouth when things do not go as you planned?  How much excess weight are you unnecessarily carrying around with you?

The world does not care about your expectations, or mine.

The only expectations we can try to satisfy is our own.  Yet, we routinely place our unspoken expectations on people and situations.  We are unknowingly sacrificing our own happiness.

We can learn to let go of our expectations and allow life to unfold. We alone are responsible for our lives. We can learn to allow. We can remove our judgment, expectations, and conditions of satisfaction from our experience. We can remove the burden of expectations we carry around with us. We can learn to experience people and situations from a first timer’s point of view.

We can unconditionally accept people, situations, and ourselves from who we are.  

Think it is impossible, what is stopping you from trying to be more unconditionally accepting?

Related posts:

1. Resistance is the doorway to action
2. The open road awaits…put the peddle to the metal
3. Re-gifting: Offering our gifts to the world

“Resisting something is a sure sign you are supposed to be doing it. The greater your resistance, the more important it is to you.”

A few weeks ago, I tweeted this thought. Today, I am still grappling with it as much as I was when I originally wrote it.

Do you feel some resistance to it as well?

I thought you might.  I invite you to read my thoughts and add your own. Together, we can explore the validity of this concept. Deal?  Here goes.

When something we have not accepted as a given for ourselves enters our awareness, our natural human inclination kicks in and we begin to erect the walls of resistance.

We may become defensive, take things personally, make excuses, and justify our actions. More importantly, we will most likely close ourselves to new ideas, other people’s perspective, and further entrench ourselves in our current understanding and stance. We withdraw from the conversation and start to protect ourselves.

Our language continues to spew out rationalizations, complaints, and outspoken opposition. Emotionally, we harbor feelings of blame, shame, guilt, jealousy, pessimism, frustration, anger, and depression.

The stronger our emotional reaction, the more likely our resistance is related to a core challenge we face in life.

Emotional warning signs are opportunities to examine aspects of our lives that are holding us back. We welcome what we allow. We resent what we resist. This is a perfect time to allow something new to emerge in our lives.

If we choose to meet these opportunities with the same type of resistance we have been discussing, then we ensure a quick trip to the back of the life learning line. Awareness opportunities are neither good nor bad. They are simply a chance to learn something new about us and to make a choice without self-judgment.

New awareness opens the doorway to new possibilities for us. Our thirst for change awakens and our creative juices freely flow. We no longer resist the unknown. We make a friend of change. We trust the choices we make. We live more freely.

What do you think?  Did this strike you in any particular way? What emotion are you feeling?

Do not resist the urge to leave a comment, let it out.  Sharing our point of view adds to the community conversation in ways we cannot imagine.  I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the concept at hand.

Related posts:

1. Unwanted Behaviors
2. New Perspective
3. Lights, Camera, Action…3 universal steps

Have you ever had this conversation with someone, perhaps even yourself. It goes something like this; I wish I could find a different job. My job sucks, my boss does not appreciate me, they do not pay me enough, workplace morale sucks, this company is going no where, and I’ll be happy when I find another job.

We have a built-in natural resistance steering us toward these thoughts and opinions. Our culture has taught us to over identifying who we are based on the work we do. We in turn base our general happiness on whether or not we enjoy the work we do.

Are you attached to who society wants you to be or are you living your life?

There is an interesting paradox that develops when you shift the conversation from work life to personal life. People fall into two camps, they are either as miserable at home as they are in the office or they claim to be completely happy in their personal life. Either way, I think they are disillusioned and not really aware of how the toxicity of their 9-5 work life is crushing their personal happiness.

Think I am wrong….maybe you are disillusioned yourself.

I promise you this is not a permanent condition unless you want it to be. We have choices we can make. We can choose to continue living this charade or we can called it what it is and take action to make the changes that lead towards the happiness we desire.

My journey is not dissimilar to the journey many are living. I used to think I was completely different at work than I was in my personal life. I live in disillusionment. I live in sadness. I longed to be happy.

I drifted along from task to task, boss to boss, job to job searching for meaning and happiness in my work life. I adhered to their rules (most of the time). I aligned my actions with their agenda. I lived by their expectations. I took my happiness from their happiness. I rationalized my compromising behavior. I told myself financial security was more important than the work I did. I gave away what was most important to me….I gave away ME!!!!!!

What message did I send to the people I loved at home when I was unhappy and continued to pour my energy and commitment into meaningless work? Working in that environment did not bring me joy and showing up as me in my life is what matters most to me.

This give away is not without some benefit to me. Being a life long learner, this type of learning experiences is exactly what I am looking for.  They lay the foundation for even greater learning.  I am a few years removed from this life stage and I continue to build on these lessons.

Our experience of happiness and meaning in life is influenced by who we are –as much as what we are doing. We have two paths to change. We either change the activity we are doing or we change ourselves.

Are you ready to raise the curtain to your true self?

Related posts:

1. Unwanted Behaviors
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You will remember January 27, 2010 forever.

Apple’s long rumored innovative trans-formative device will be unveiled to the masses.  No device has been more highly anticipated than this one.  We expect Steve Jobs to knock it out of the park.  He will paint a brilliant masterpiece describing how this device will change the world.  We want to believe. We want hope.  We want this device. We do not need to know what it is. We want it anyway. We want this to be something trans-formative. We will buy as many as Apple can produce.  Santa Claus is delivering our presents today.

President Obama delivers the most important speech of his young presidency.  A year ago, he entered office to change Washington; to transform the world. We believed. We hoped. He was last year’s Santa Claus. Something happened. Our expectations went un-met.  We lost hope. We stopped believing.  Deep inside, we still want to hope. We still want to believe. We still want something trans-formative. Tonight, he will try desperately to restore our hope and belief.

Will you pay attention and listen as eagerly to President Obama as you will to Steve Jobs today?

These events are important for you, for our country, and for the world. Jobs and Obama will send a message to the masses.  The masses will decide if they believe in the message. You will decide if you believe. You will decide to restore or withhold your own hope.  Today, is your day to decide.

What can you do to restore hope and belief in your future?

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Living our dreams begins by telling people about them.

What dreams do you have?  Who can you share your dreams with?

Human beings enjoy traveling through life without taking great risks. Our monkey brains attempt to protect us by seeking safety and security of the known.  In reality, they only support a life of limited growth and status quo. To live our dreams, we must create an environment where our monkey brains view our dreams as a safe and secure as a known entity.

How do we do that? The answer is simple and only requires courage to get the process started.

Are you ready to live your dreams?

Try this experiment.

• Write down your dream in one or two sentences.
• Make a top 10 list on how achieving this dream will change and enrich your life.
• Over the next 48 hours, share your dream and the top 10 list with as many people as you can
• Ask the person to summarize what you said in 3 words
• Thank them for their time and ask them to support you in your journey
• After each interaction, record your impressions of the conversation.

After you have completed this experiment, come back to this post and share your impressions.

What pattern emerged in the conversations?  What happened to you as you repeatedly told the same story?

Are you closer to living your dreams?

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We all say that some day things will change; we will take that vacation when we have more money or when we have more free time. When we have more confidence in ourselves, our job, our partner, we will be happy. When we get the new {fill in the blank}, we will be happy. We will have enough.

And yet I wonder – is that really the case? I look at my mobile phone and remember the feeling, just a few months back, when I was so excited about the convenience it would provide: faster reception, clearer connections, longer battery life; the smaller size was perfect for any purse. Yet today, I long for a newer model, a sleeker, faster version of this one. Each dropped call or slow connection to the net frustrates me and reminds me of its limitations.

The same is true of my house. It is so easy to focus on what is wrong with it and what needs to be repaired. A portion of the back yard is more weeds than grass. The half-finished flower bed needs to be finished. The closet door knob needs to be replaced so we don’t have to reattach one of the handles every week. The list is endless. Or is it?

At one time, I would have seen my current situation as only a dream. Had you asked me ten years ago if I would be satisfied with what I have and who I am today, I know what my answer would have been: Absolutely; I would be so appreciative. I would have more than enough. Who wouldn’t be happy?

Enough, at least in my world, is always something ‘out there’, and it exists in the future, without any sort of a boundary or frame of reference. It is not something we touch, much less remain in. It is an amorphous concept that we talk about as if it were real, thinking that when we get there or attain something, we will know it and experience satisfaction. And that little idea, which seems so very simple, puts us in perpetual forward motion. Like my cat chasing his tail, I am on a never-ending quest for ‘enough’, which will give me what I really long for: satisfaction, and peace.

I would be lying if I said that making my backyard into a showplace would give me more than a moment’s satisfaction. I would quickly find other things that needed to be done. More, better, faster – I have a lot of practice with those. I can measure them, touch them, see them. Once they are real, though, they become the new standard. Satisfaction and appreciation disappear as quickly as they appear. Sure, I can blame the advertising industry, our culture, the media, but that isn’t really fair. I am a human being, an adult, and I have a choice. I can choose to practice more, better, faster, or I can practice enough. And it all depends on the lens I look through.

I say that, because I know very well that there have been moments when I had enough, when I experienced satisfaction, and with it, peace and joy. When I reconnect with those moments, the current ‘feelings’ of not enough float away. One such moment was a few years ago as my husband underwent surgery for prostate cancer. When I think about that time, I can still connect with the visceral emotions I experienced that morning as I sipped coffee in the hospital cafeteria. My emotions were raw, and my thoughts raced through so many wasted opportunities,, arguments, choices, and decisions that separated us in one way or another. In that moment, any problems or imperfections, with him, our home, our relationship – even with me – melted away. I was focused on and appreciative for all the joys in my life, and it was enough. By focusing on what was good, I experienced satisfaction. When faced with the very real possibility of losing the love of my life, what mattered most became crystal clear. I had spent too much time looking through distorted lenses, focusing more on lack or gaps than on what and who really mattered. The heated arguments over undone household projects seemed petty and selfish. I vowed to take those distorting glasses off and leave them in that cafeteria. I would not let my lenses get cloudy again.

That does not mean, though, that I have given up ambition or the things I care about. Quite the opposite, in fact. By shifting my focus to what is important – to what I care about most – and the good that is all around me, the next action I need to take becomes more prominent. The path to ‘the me I want to be’ (thank you, Thomas Crum), the desire to serve, reveals itself as the fog of distraction lifts. When I stop, breathe, and reconnect to what I care about, my energy rises, and I am much more able to act in accordance with my values and desires. By first seeing the good, more possibilities exist. When I take the first step, then the second, and the third, my energy sustains me. Gratitude is the fuel for my soul, and keeps my vision clear.

Like any habit, though, those glasses have made their way back to me. Sometimes I notice, sometimes I don’t. I am learning that when my vision gets foggy and I feel drained of energy, I need to stop for a moment and take the glasses off and clean them. I stop, breathe, and look for the good. I pause, rest, and allow myself a short vacation in gratitude or silence. Voila – I see the world more clearly again. I see that I have so much good in my life, and I can experience the joy of satisfaction. I can recognize that more – with all its sultry promises – will never be enough. With a regular and consistent practice of just looking for the good instead of the gap, I can more easily reconnect with joy, peace and that wonderful sense of satisfaction on a more regular basis.

Hmmm…I haven’t yet practiced today. And I wonder, is it possible to ever reach a point where I have practiced ‘enough’ enough?

Related posts:

1. Life is not fair or is it?

When I say the phrase “Super Hero”, what image pops into your head?  For me, it’s Superman.

“Faster than a speeding bullet.  More powerful than a locomotive.  Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!  Superman, man of steel, Superman. “

Superman was born in a time (1938) when this country needed heroes.  Early Superman was a social activist at heart. He fought for social justice; a champion for the common person; he was the “big blue boy scout.” His archenemies were corrupt business men and politicians. With the exception of kryptonite, nothing could stop Superman. He was invincible.

In 1938, America was struggling to emerge from the great depression, the Mob scene was in full swing, Nazi Germany was beginning its assault on the world, and people were desperate for hope and change.

The world is facing many of these problems today.  We are struggling to find our economic footing and are facing the worse financial crisis since the great depression. We expect and demand more from our leaders. At the same time, our patience, tolerance and acceptance is becoming shorter and shorter.  Climate change is challenging our traditional beliefs. Global warming is not just about the planet warming and the ice caps’ melting; it is about human survival.  We need to develop alternative energy solutions. We need to reduce our current carbon output.  We need to preserve and enrich our farmlands or we face the inevitable of not being able to feed the world.

History is full of global population reductions.  The earth is as bent on survival as you and I. Change will happen and happen soon or nature will take matters into its own hands.  We need a superhero.

Superheroes do not idealize or pontificate issues.  They are constantly evolving their belief system and do not rest on their laurels. They are uncomfortable with the status quo. They do not allow people, politics or parties to tell them what is acceptable or unacceptable.  They do not pretend to have all the right answers and are open to finding new ways to solve problems. They see a problem, make a decision, and take action. Yes, it is that simple.

We know what is right for us.  We do not need to examine all the angles and potential outcomes.  We do not need someone else’s approval or acceptance.  We are responsible for our own action or inaction. We are our own expert.

Super heroes are present in our everyday life.  They are parents who take an active interest in their kids well-being.  They are people who actively engage in the local community.  They volunteer for all sorts of activities.  They placed the greater good above themselves.  Everyday super heroes recognize and respond to people, situations, and themselves with compassion, empathy, appreciation, gratitude, and by being helpful.

You are the superhero the world needs.  You have everything you need to take action at your disposal right now.  The only kryptonite is the excuses you make for not taking action.  Nothing can stop you.  You are invincible.

Claim you role as a super hero. Be the super hero you want to be.

What super hero act are you going to perform today?

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