WeVivify » Happiness

Life is not fair or is it?

davidmcgraw — Thu, 19 Aug 2010 18:54:37 +0000

Life handed me a basket of lemons and I do not want to make lemonade. I want to be mad! I want to pout. I want to cry. I want to scream out loud, “YOU’RE NOT FAIR…YOU SUCK!!!!!!” Life’s unfair!

Ever feel this way? Me too. We face the fairness dilemma every day like clockwork. The lack of fairness shows up in our lives in many forms of dishonesty, bias, superiority, injustice, or blame.

We were not born pre-equipped to handle fairness and be compassionate. Nor are we entitled to these character traits. We must develop these values through life experiences as we emotionally grow up.

A lot of frustration and sadness we experience comes directly from our perceived lack of fairness in the world. We transform these experiences into negative feelings. Negativity may provide some short-term sense of satisfaction, but it does not benefit us in any way shape or form. All destructive reactions do is reinforce our unwanted perceptions and expectations. Their continued presence propitiate more and more self-inflicted wounds.

Negative feelings suck all the motivation and momentum out of our forward progress. Negative feelings are the opportunity we have been waiting for. If we act quickly, we can locate the driving force behind what triggers this repeated experience. We have an opportunity to change the story we have been telling ourselves. Change will restore our energy and enthusiasm for all the good that is in our lives. Change will restore our forward progress.

Consider this story.

Steve plays on an all-star travel team. He works hard and trains non-stop. He dominates practice, but cannot get playing time during the games. He is stuck behind the coach’s son (John) on the depth chart. Steve felt he was being treated unfairly. He is angry with the coach. He is rude and mean to John. Steve believes nothing is fair in life. No matter what he does, he will not get to play. He punishes himself and quits the team.

How could Steve have addressed his issues with fairness?

He could have…

Shared his feelings with his coach, parents, etc.
Accepted and respected his coaches decision
Accepted responsibility for his actions and behavior
Thought about how his decision affected others
Played by the rules

Unless Steve takes action to change his belief about this life event, his decision will most likely haunt him the rest of his life. When he fails to get a promotion at work, he will probably emotionally checkout and find another job. He will continually see biased behavior in his life whether it is there or not.

This one experience will be continually reinforced in his life because he expects it to occur. The pattern will continue until Steve puts an end to it.

People who proactively address their negative emotions are more aware of when their emotions are clouding their actions and judgment. They stop themselves from committing unforced errors. They accept people and situations for what they are. They accept themselves as they are. Compassion rules the day.

Compassion breaks down any judgment we hold and allows us to open our hearts to those around us. We see ourselves as one with our fellow-man. We take proactive action to help each other practice these principles. We find freedom in compassion.

Honor your feelings. Explore them. Have compassion for yourself and fellow-man.

How has fairness influenced your life?

There is only 1 secret to a good marriage

davidmcgraw — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 16:34:11 +0000

I wrote this for a wonderful and beautiful couple who got married this past weekend. Enjoy the read and let me know what you think.

The one secret of a good marriage.

It all starts with you. You are in complete control over your happiness. Individually, you can impact each others happiness, but you are not responsible for it. The most important thing you can do is to take care of yourself. Love yourself. Honor who you are. This will free you to honor who your spouse is. To love them for who they are and not for whom you want them to be. We have circled back to you.

You cannot set expectations for another person without first discussing and receiving their commitment to the expectation. Your unspoken expectations are just premeditated disappointments. No matter what the cost, you have to communicate with each other. Share your feelings, dreams, opinions, and needs. Help each other become the best possible version of yourself.

This is the central purpose of your relationship and the guiding force behind your happiness. If you both focused on bring out the best in each other, then you will view each others efforts as constructive assistance. You will avoid getting defensive and angry. Is this task easy, hell no! Is it worth the effort? Only you can answer that question.

Today, you committed to love each other to the end of time. I promise you, your love will be tested, retested, and tested again and again. Each test has the power to elevate or rip apart your commitment to each other. You alone are responsible for how you react and respond to these tests. Your spouse is not responsible for your attitude and behavior. You are.

Relationship tests are just speed bumps along happiness highway. No matter how challenging these tests are to your relationship, just remember this, you love each other and this to shall pass. What doesn’t kill you, certainly will make you stronger. You will never be given a test you are incapable of handling.

Be true to yourself. Be responsible for your actions. Admit you are human and make mistakes. Accept each other for who you are and are not. Practice forgiveness. Focus on all the good in your life. Recognize and ignore the negative energy in your life. Listen to your own thoughts and feelings first. Above all, trust yourself and your intuition.

Why is this important? When you are faced with challenges, you will search for answers. You will confide in family, friends, and anyone who will listen. They will pump you full of advice. Some will be good and some will be bad. Take it in and filter the best you can. Don’t allow yourself to follow this advice without asking yourself if this advice is really right for you. You know what is best for you. You are your own expert. Only you know what is best for you. Don’t ever forget that.

Laugh at these silly curve balls tests life throws you. You will ace them as soon as you accept them for what they are, relatively unimportant speed bumps in the road of life. There is not a shred of evidence life is supposed to be serious. Laugh at life!

Celebrate the joy in your life. Celebrate the joy in your spouse’s life. Other than yourself, your spouse is the most important relationship in your life. Don’t take this relationship for granted. Treat it with all the love, respect and admiration you desire in your life. You owe it to each other. Help each other become the best version of yourselves.

Anne, Riley, Keegan, Logan, and I wish you both a long and loving relationship. Enjoy this moment…life only gets better from here.

Being a Dad changed my life forever

davidmcgraw — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 23:40:59 +0000

One of the male rites of passage is to become a father. The day my son was born was the first day of my new life. My journey to being a dad was a little longer than most and filled with so many lessons.

My wife and I spent a few years unsuccessfully trying to have children. We lost hope. We felt defeated. We hit rock bottom. Our struggle was sucking the life out of our relationship. We tried to escape our emotions and by creating distractions from our struggles.

We buried ourselves in our jobs. We bought higher end material goods. We traveled more. We withdrew from interaction with our friends. None of these actions satisfied our true emotional needs. We were too self-absorbed in our individual sorrow to see what we really needed.

I convinced myself that if God meant for us to have children, we would. My wife wanted to pursue other options. I resisted them. I put up every argument you can image. I hunkered down in my self-pity and disappointment. My wife patiently waited me out.

In the fall of 2002, she convinced me to try IVF. Unknowingly to her, I went internally kicking and screaming through the process. You see, I was resigned to a certain outcome. If it is meant to be, then it will happen. I did it for Anne.

Outwardly, I was confidently strong and told Anne we were going to be successful. We were meant to be parents and good parents we shall be.

I remember the big day…I had not felt nerves like that since our wedding day eight years earlier. Dr. Gordon showed us a picture of the eggs…he called one of them our little superstar. He put on his favorite song and away we went. Quick, simple, and painless.

Two weeks passed before our next check up. Talk about nervous anxiety. Anne and I spent a lot of time reassuring each other this was going to work. The test results can back positive, but we still did not know for sure. We had to wait another two weeks before we could celebrate.

What happened next for me still puzzles me to this day. I was numb to it all. I had no emotional connection to the pending birth of my son. Nothing through all the ultrasounds. Nothing through the Lamaze class. Nothing through the decorating of the nursery. Nothing during the baby shower. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. What was wrong with me?

I think the best rationalization I can come up with is I was in denial and I was escaping from the reality of the moment. I guess it should come as no surprise to me, I had emotionally checked out to having kids a few years earlier.

On July 29, 2003, my life began again. Everything changed the moment I first held Riley.

My relationship with my spouse changed. My relationship with work changed. My relationship with my friends changed. My relationship with myself changed. Even if I did not know it at the time, all these changes were for the better.

All I needed was to figure out how to integrate all my life parts together. I had to figure out how to live again. Luckily, I had a son and a wonderful wife to help show me the way.

Seven years and three boys later, I am still learning every day what it means to be a father.

Fatherhood has been a life changing experience for me. Having kids is one of the greatest joys a man can experience.

Welcome to Being A Dad!

If you are a Dad, then you have a story to tell. Please share your story in the comment section below.

Here a Lack, There a Lack, Everywhere a Lack Lack

davidmcgraw — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 14:01:55 +0000

What are you lacking in your life? “Lack” implies something is not complete or missing from life. Is your life incomplete? Are you lacking something?

Hmm….what could that something be? What do we need in life? Needs are something we have to have. We need food, water, shelter, clothing, and some basic hygiene products.

Do we need more than this?

Of course we do. Basic elements for survival are just that, basic needs. We have other higher-level needs that are essential to helping us live a good life.

Just like everything else, needs have a counter balance in life. Wants are something we would like to have. We can want whatever we want. That does not mean we need to get it.

Our culture is built on expanding our perceived needs. We are attracted to novelty, quick fixes and instant gratification. We are always looking for a bigger piece of pie.

We want a new house. We buy one. Then we repaint the rooms. Redo the window dressings. Buy new furniture. Change the landscaping. Remodel the kitchen. Replace the carpet with hardwood floors.

When does the cycle stop? Did we really want to do all of this?

What did we need in the first place? What were we lacking?

We are emotional human beings who let our emotional selves control our rational selves. We need to satisfy our emotional needs to feel complete.

Perhaps I got the original question all wrong. Let me try again.

What emotional need are you lacking in your life?

No related posts.

Go ahead…give your life away…its your choice

davidmcgraw — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 22:02:59 +0000

Have you ever had this conversation with someone, perhaps even yourself. It goes something like this; I wish I could find a different job. My job sucks, my boss does not appreciate me, they do not pay me enough, workplace morale sucks, this company is going no where, and I’ll be happy when I find another job.

We have a built-in natural resistance steering us toward these thoughts and opinions. Our culture has taught us to over identifying who we are based on the work we do. We in turn base our general happiness on whether or not we enjoy the work we do.

Are you attached to who society wants you to be or are you living your life?

There is an interesting paradox that develops when you shift the conversation from work life to personal life. People fall into two camps, they are either as miserable at home as they are in the office or they claim to be completely happy in their personal life. Either way, I think they are disillusioned and not really aware of how the toxicity of their 9-5 work life is crushing their personal happiness.

Think I am wrong….maybe you are disillusioned yourself.

I promise you this is not a permanent condition unless you want it to be. We have choices we can make. We can choose to continue living this charade or we can called it what it is and take action to make the changes that lead towards the happiness we desire.

My journey is not dissimilar to the journey many are living. I used to think I was completely different at work than I was in my personal life. I live in disillusionment. I live in sadness. I longed to be happy.

I drifted along from task to task, boss to boss, job to job searching for meaning and happiness in my work life. I adhered to their rules (most of the time). I aligned my actions with their agenda. I lived by their expectations. I took my happiness from their happiness. I rationalized my compromising behavior. I told myself financial security was more important than the work I did. I gave away what was most important to me….I gave away ME!!!!!!

What message did I send to the people I loved at home when I was unhappy and continued to pour my energy and commitment into meaningless work? Working in that environment did not bring me joy and showing up as me in my life is what matters most to me.

This give away is not without some benefit to me. Being a life long learner, this type of learning experiences is exactly what I am looking for. They lay the foundation for even greater learning. I am a few years removed from this life stage and I continue to build on these lessons.

Our experience of happiness and meaning in life is influenced by who we are –as much as what we are doing. We have two paths to change. We either change the activity we are doing or we change ourselves.

Are you ready to raise the curtain to your true self?

Opening the door to our cares

davidmcgraw — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 19:11:09 +0000

The last couple of posts (Re-Gifting, Unwrap your gifts ) have focused on bringing your natural gifts into the forefront of your life. In doing so, we share ourselves in a more authentic way. We show up in every interaction and situation consciously bearing our gifts. People recognized what we have to offer and crawl out of the woodwork to receive what we have to offer. Maybe they always have, but now we are keenly aware of it.

There is something different about it this time around. Even though we are uncomfortable sitting in the spot light, we like the new-found attention. It’s an odd, strange feeling to moderately enjoy attention. We feel good about ourselves and passively seek more. Our old habits and voice tell us to escape back to the safety and comfort of a quiet place. We know this no longer fits our description of who we are. We no longer want to keep our gifts from the world. We want to share them and experience all the great feelings this attention bring to us. We crave more.

What do we do with all this new-found glory?

The answer is simple….we take our gifts and we apply them to the things we CARE about most.

A much harder question is what do you CARE about?

CAREs are our highest-level needs, our inner burning desires, or our own personal conditions for satisfaction. They are ideals that we live by (i.e. I am a loving husband), things we are passionate about (i.e. I am helping others find their passion for life), or lofty goals (I am saving money for my kid’s college tuition). Living by our CAREs is intrinsically part of our lives.

The more we embody our CAREs; the more purposefully we act and the more meaning we have to our life. We take ownership and responsibility for our actions and in-actions. We begin to reduce our emotional attached to things that are not aligned with our CAREs. We invite playful energy and lightness into our daily lives. Our daily intentions, actions and commitments are clear and resolute. We are aligned with who our soul desires us to be.

What you CARE about?

Re-gifting: Offering our gifts to the world

angelastauder — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 15:04:20 +0000

In this time of holiday cheer, I have been thinking a lot about “re-gifting.” No, not in the tempting sense of giving some unsuspecting soul that set of scented candles that Aunt Millie gave you two years ago that has never seen the light of day. The re-gifting I refer to is giving to others gifts that have been bestowed upon you, the gifts that you probably take for granted: the skills, talents, and preferences that you don’t think twice about. I am thinking about the qualities and traits that you probably overlook each day that others admire and wish they had, but that you take for granted.

The way I see it, we have each been given a plethora of gifts unique to us that make up the palette from which we have to choose. Alone, any one of our gifts or talents is shared by thousands or even millions of other people. For example, our ability to influence another’s mood by our facial expression is shared by every other human being on the planet. Yet I venture to say that your smile is such a unique gift that can warm people’s hearts and brighten their day. Not just any smile will do – your smile is the one they really want.

Most of us probably don’t think of ourselves as a combination of gifts. We talk about our “lucky breaks” and our “good fortune,” but to hear someone speak of their own talents as ‘gifts’ sounds a bit strange. Some might say it is boastful or even arrogant. To say ‘I have a great smile that can warm the hearts of total strangers’ is not something that comes up in conversation for most of us.

Rather, we are quick to point out our imperfections and faults. We focus on what we don’t have rather than on what we do have and who we are. Even if we did take the time to take a good, hard look at ourselves, most of us would be more apt to rebuff or devalue our gifts rather than acknowledge them and bask in the beauty of our uniqueness. Rather than be grateful and appreciate the richness of who we are, we magnify and focus on our faults and imperfections.

During this Season of Giving, I invite you to join me in a unique learning opportunity, a study in appreciation. I ask you to consider the old saying, “To those to whom much is given, much is expected”, and join me in an experiment. I invite you to learn to by doing…and by giving. Rather than hiding your treasures, the gifts you have been given, I ask that you remove your gifts from hiding and bring them out for the world, and for yourself, to see, and for purpose for which they were intended: to share with the world.

In the next few weeks, have the courage to take an inventory of the gifts you have been given. Take the time to be grateful for who you are, not because of your social status or your job title, your worldly possessions or your bank account, but for the offer you are in the world. Then choose just one gift you have been given and share it with someone.

Maybe it is a warm smile to a frowning stranger. Or replacing a typically sharp response to your significant other with a hug of compassion. It could be an offer to stay and help a struggling colleague, rather than rush out the door to beat the traffic. It could be reaching out with an encouraging word and a cup of coffee to an acquaintance who has just be laid off. It doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be real, and from the heart.

Just pick one – and re-gift away. If you want to really challenge yourself, and you really want to grow, do it again. Repeat it every day for a week. You may find it is contagious…and that you become a serial re-gifter!

We are each a unique combination of gifts to the world, each a wonderful masterpiece, complete, magnificent and absolutely perfect. And when we offer ourselves in the service of something greater than ourselves, for something or someone we care about, we celebrate and truly live. In using and sharing our gifts, others expand and thrive, we shine, and we make the world a better place.

29 days of gratitude

davidmcgraw — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 15:51:28 +0000

In early October, I saw Cami Walker on the Today Show. She has written a wonderful book entitled “29 Gifts: How a Month of Giving Can Change Your Life .” As the titled suggests, you can change your life in 29 days.

While I have not tried giving a gift a day for 29 days, I recently completed a month of tweeting something I am grateful for everyday. This conscience daily effort has raised the bar on my feelings of gratitude. I have been inspired to more deeply embrace all the good that is in my life. I have expanded my recognition beyond the obvious things into to a greater awareness and appreciation for all the great things in my life. I have more energy, love, and happiness. Better yet, I bring this energy to every conversation. As the saying goes, “Life is Beautiful.”

On Dec 1st, I will start my 29 days of offering a gift to the world. You can follow my gift offerings on Twitter (@davidmcgraw).

If you feel inspired to do the same, please join me in the 29 day challenge. I promise you will be inspired to do bigger and greater things.

I look forward to hearing about your experience.

For more information on Cami Walker’s 29 Gifts program, please visit 29Gifts.org

Are you ready to unwrap your gifts?

davidmcgraw — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:28:29 +0000

I attended a conference awhile back. One of the central themes was what gift do you offer the world. Talk about a heavy question. Did you feel the weight that question carries? I will bet your body tensed up and you became a bit distracted by your thoughts. Take a moment to recollect yourself.

Ready? Great. Let us see if we can lighten this question into something less daunting. Here we go.

The question of gifts is an important question to answer. Knowing our natural gifts is an integral part of finding our voice. Finding our voice gives us strength, courage, and freedom to step into our greatness. The fact you are reading this post is a direct result of me finding my voice.

Without my voice, I was drifting through life. With my voice, I act more purposefully in life. I look forward to sharing my true authentic self with people and causes that matter most to me.

The gift you offer the world is not your work experience or learned skills. Your gift is your innate natural abilities that show up in every interaction and experience you have. You share your gifts without any conscious effort at all. Our gifts are the obvious things in our lives.

Sometimes we struggle to see the obvious things in our lives. Clearly seeing our gifts can be a struggle for even the most self-aware. When our actions and ideas become obvious to us, we accept them with an unshakable knowing. We unconditionally accept them, at times diminish their importance, and take them for granted. We need to bring them to the forefront of awareness and share our gifts with more conscious intention.

Before we can do that, we need to become keenly aware of what our true gifts are. The best way to I have found to uncover our gifts is a three-step process.

1. What gift do I offer the world? What is obvious to me? Write on a piece of paper, every thought about what your gift is for the next 15 minutes. Write longer if you can. The intention here is to capture your top of mind responses as well as the ones that arrive after the obvious ones have been written. Typically, a person will exhaust all the extremely obvious stuff in the first 5 minutes and then begin to uncover deeper hidden more valuable gifts.

2. What is obvious to others may not be obvious to me. Invite a diverse variety of people in your life to provide some important feedback to you. The best way to enhance our awareness, learn new skills, and build self-confidence is by soliciting and receiving feedback from people we trust. Positive and negative feedback is equally as important. Encourage your respondents to freely provide their responses. Unconditionally accept this feedback as a gift they are providing you.

Here is a sample request. Please feel free to use it as is or modify it in any way.

Will you take a few minutes and provide some important feedback for me? I am looking to expand my self-awareness and improve the way I show up in the world. I would greatly appreciate your help in identifying what personal qualities I bring to the table. What positive qualities do you notice? What annoys you about me? General characterization is fine, but responses that are more specific will be more beneficial to me.

I am open to receiving any and all feedback you would like to share with me. I am deeply grateful for your willingness to be open, honest, and reflective with me. Please feel free to address any aspect of our relationship you would like to address.

In gratitude,

3. Reflect on the responses received and repeat number 1.

People who deeply care about us, love us more for our natural gifts than anything else we may bring to the relationship. Find your gifts and liberally share them with the world. Love and happiness will come in abundance.

I hope this exercise is helpful to you. I look forward to hearing how this exercise was helpful or not helpful to you.

Thank you for allowing me to share a gift with you.

Do you need permission?

davidmcgraw — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 17:47:30 +0000

When you think about the word “permission”, what thoughts or feelings enter your body?

My natural state of being equates asking for permission to seeking approval. I feel an uneasy inward energy rush, as if my body is bracing itself for rejection. I have immediate memories of asking for something and being told “NO.” Spoken and unspoken thoughts of “it’s NOT fair,” “you NEVER let me do it,” “WWWHHHYYY?” enter my consciousness.

Revisiting these emotions is not something I can easily enjoy. These feelings make it harder for me to recall all the times when I received “yes” for an answer. They make is hard for me to embrace all that is good in my life.

I give myself permission to honor the old emotions and feelings. I give myself permission to push this negative energy from my being. I give myself permission to let more positive joyful energy back in. I give myself permission to breathe and embrace life again.

I feel much better now. With practice, it is amazingly easy to give myself permission to live in the present moment without allowing the past to send me into a downward spiral. I love my life of giving myself permission.

Hmm…what else can I do?

I give myself permission to:

love myself for who I am
love others for who they are
trust myself
admit I don’t know
ask for help
play and have fun
dream
be spontaneous
say “yes” to what I want
say “no” to requests

What do you want to give yourself permission to do?

Make a list and fell free to share it with the world. No permission or approval is required.

Cliff Jumping