How often we fail to realize our good fortune in living in a country where happiness is more than a lack of tragedy. ~Paul Sweeney

10 years ago, I awoke to a beautiful morning very much like today. I worked in Pentagon City about a 1/4 mile from the Pentagon crash site.
While returning from getting coffee, the news was covering the 1st plane that went into the WTC. The 7th floor of my building was a buzz.

Moments later, we watched in horror as the 2nd plane went into the WTC.

Suddenly, it was no longer a beautiful day. I’d describe the mood of the floor as one of disbelief and subtle outrage.

Before we could really grasp what was going on, our building began to shake. The loud roar of the engines echoed in our hearts. We knew immediately another plane was going to crash.

The loud explosion rocked our building. The fireball seemed to reach the sky. People began to scream and run for the exits.

Fear and panic had ripped through the safety and comfort we held freely in our hearts.

As I watched the smoke, it dawned on me, my brother worked in the Pentagon. I called his office. The women who answered asked why I was so panicked. I told what was going on. Just as I finished, the alarm bells in the background began to ring. She said, “Tom is not here, I have to go.”

The plane took out a cell tower on its way in. It was near impossible to reach our loved ones. My only concern was to make sure my brother was okay and to convey the same to my wife.

Before I left the building, I sent an instant message to a friend in Atlanta telling him the news. He replied, stop spreading rumors, this news is not on the internet or TV. Nearest I can tell it took at least 15 minutes for the Radio/TV to announce the news. To this day, I still don’t know what to make of this curious reaction. This would only take seconds in today’s world.

As I exit the parking garage, the streets were full of people standing around. Seemingly paralyzed by what had just occurred. I can still see the looks on their faces. A look of not know what to do next. I saw the same looks here in DC during the earthquake a few weeks ago.

90 minutes and 5 miles later I arrived home. I was finally able to talk to my wife. I did not reach my brother until hours later. He was in the parking lot when the plane went in and immediately got in his car and left for home. I spent the rest of the day watching the news and praying for the families.

We all react to adversity in different ways. My reaction was calm. I did not feel fear, panic, or anger. I only felt a strong need to understand why these people felt the need to give their lives to make a political statement.

A tragedy occurred 10 years ago today. I have a special place in my heart for the brave men and women who have given their lives to protect our freedom.

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it. ~Thomas Paine

We cannot change the way people feel about us. We can choose the way we react to the events in our lives. We can choose not to rush to judgment, to forgive and let go of the past. The events 9/11 have helped teach me this lesson.

How did the events of 9/11 affect you? 

Let’s get this out-of-the-way…you are CREATIVE.  

Creativity is not reserved for the budding artists or musicians. It’s an integral part of who we are. The only thing that separates you from someone you view as more creative is a steady practice of using and developing your creative skills.

Creative people explore ideas, identify and solve problems, take risks, and expand the scope of what is possible. They are less self-interested and are more willing to engage and take a stronger interest in their own life.

Bubbling with creative energy, you are passionately alive.

Yet, much of society operates in a command and control environment. I ask, you do. Conditional relationships rule the day. Society isn’t fostering healthy creative relationships, it is attempting to dictate and control your behavior.

Is that how you want to live your life? 

Me neither. The only thing we can control is how we choose to show up and act. We have no one to blame. We are responsible for our own actions and behavior. We choose to store or release our creative energy. We choose to be creative or not.

Five keys to  fostering healthy creative relationships.

1. Freedom is control over our personal autonomy. Over control stifles our creative juices. People are more creative for others than they are for themselves. Give them permission to freely contribute in their own unique way. Help them feel they can work outside the scope of what’s asked of them, and think for themselves. Focus less on how things are done and more on outcome. Set people free, and you will set yourself free.
2. Friendlies encourage the quality of interaction over fierce competition. Create an environment where people support and add to each other’s contribution. Build interpersonal relationships that transcend an us versus them mentality. Reward collaboration over credit taking. Allow people to fail and to admit they don’t know what they don’t know. Encourage them to ask for help. Listen to their questions or concerns. Help them find the answers they seek. Curiously explore together. Be friendly.
3. Fun is playful behavior sparks our senses. We feel, taste, smell, imagine, hear, and follow the bliss of the moment. When we play…we prioritize every moment through curiosity, spontaneous adventure, and the value it will add to the fun factor. Fun reduces over inhibitions and raises our resistance to control. Life is suddenly less serious. Are we having fun yet?
4. Feedback  is a two-way conversation between mature adults. Be open and honest with people. Try not to judge or singled them out. When we judge, we  place conditions on relationships. I will only support you if you do x, y, and z. Judging is exactly what we do every time we complain, talk down to, or talk about someone behind their back. It takes 12 positive interactions to overcome the effects of one negative interaction. Spend more time thanking and praising people, and less time tear down their self-esteem. All change begins with you changing you attitude towards them. Next time you want to tear a person down, honestly ask yourself, what am I missing here? How can I help make this situation better? Accept responsibility for how you behave. Choose to unconditionally accept people for who they are. People who feel accepted for who they are will feel safe in sharing their ideas and contributing to yours. They will choose to seek and explore with you.
5. Flow is when time no longer matters. We are lost in the process of creation. We explore without succumbing to the pressure of our resistance. Passion and curiosity lead us to where we need to go. We follow without hesitation. We gladly jump into the river and let the current take us away. Flow invites more flow. Let go. Find your flow.

Your boundless creative energy is waiting to emerge. Release your conditional restraints and let your creativity flow. Find your key to becoming a creative genius.

Be the creative rock star I know you are.

What action can you take right now to release your creative energy?

We meet. We converse. We enjoyed each others company. We part ways. We leave the conversation wondering what we are supposed to do next.

Why was that interaction important to me?

Whether you have thought about it or not, you better start paying attention to the conversational reactions you are having. Internal conversations are distracting your attention and focus. They are preventing you from deepening your connection with the other person.

You are withholding the greatest gift you can give, your full conscious attention. Your future success depends on changing this behavior.

I know what you are thinking…another post telling me what to do…just what I needed.

{Insert sarcastic reaction here}

Before you exit stage left, let’s get one thing clear. You and I cannot have a conversation without your full participation. We cannot help each other become a better version of ourselves without engaging in a meaningful two-way conversation.

My intention is to elevate our conversation…help you find your own answers. 

Me standing on a soapbox preaching is a one-way conversation. This type of dialog is reserved for the politicians, salesmen, lobbyists, and preachers.  You could view this post as a sermon or you can view it as an opportunity to share your experiences while learning.

Don’t read the rest of this post unless you are teachable.

Coaching clients repeatedly ask if I learn from our conversations. The answer is a resounding YES. I learn how I show up in the world.  I learn what is important to me. I learn what I need to work on. My perceptions are challenged and I find new opportunities for growth. My coachees help me find my own answers.

Our true character is revealed in conversation.

Conversations are much more than an exchange of information. Our physical and emotional reactions are clues to discovering our truth. Try as we might, we cannot hide who we are from the people we interact with. Every dialog reveals who we are and how we see the world. Our core beliefs and emotional state of being are ever-present and accounted for.

Any attempts to internalize our thoughts and feelings will only result in masking our truth.

We cannot hide from our truth. We must be present, honest, and fully transparent with ourselves. Expansive growth comes from adopting these simple principles.

Unconscious conversing is akin to standing on a soapbox preaching.

Heightened awareness drives conscious communication. Learning how to raise our awareness opens the door to new possibilities. Good news is, conscious awareness is an easily learned skill.

Here’s some guiding principles to help you begin your learning.—

• We are who we are, and the other person is who they are
• The only one we can control is ourselves
• Our gender, cultural heritage, religion, family, occupations, education, social status, economic status, etc. mesh together to form our worldly view
• We are uniquely different from the next person, yet we are one with them
• Our emotions and moods play a vital role in our development
• We have emotional reactions during conversations
• We have physical reactions during conversations
• We use verbal language and body language to convey or protect our thoughts and feelings
• We may not feel safe in sharing our thoughts and feelings with others
• There’s a good chance we are completely transparent to the other people
• Ironically, we are blind (w/o conscious effort) to how we show up

WOW…that’s a lot to think about. Take a deep breath…hold it…let it out. This is important stuff to learn about ourselves.

Do you recognize why this is important? 

I hope you do.  Are you up for a little internal experimentation?  Of course you are.

There are many ways to become more self-aware. Allow me to offer two quick and easy to practice conversational self-awareness.

1. For 3 conversations every day during the next week, intentionally take notice to what happens during conversations.  Notice how your energy and mood shifts. Notice how your emotions trigger a reaction in your body. Are you engaging or withdrawing from the conversation? What else do you observe?
2. Select 3-5 conversations during the next week. Intentionally decide to take a certain attitude into it. In the first conversation, “AGREE” to everything that is being said, just go with it. In the next conversation, do the opposite and “DISAGREE.” Choose whatever attitude you want. The important thing is to try it. As with the previous practice, notice what is going on in your body and emotions.

What did you learn? Did you feel your awareness grow? 

Bonus practice: Try each practice by paying complete attention to the other person. Did you observe their reactionary shifts?

When you boil it down to its essence, all communication is about coordinating action with people. We fail when we are not clear with our language and intent.

What is obvious to me may not be obvious to you.

Relationships trust is established based on our ability to communicate in unison with each other. Healthy relationships are based on promise making, promise keeping, and promise managing. Promises are the foundation for our public identity, our effectiveness, and our well-being.

We may not call them commitments, but promises are agreements and decisions about who is going to do what, when, and how.  A commitment is a promise to ourselves and a promise to others.

We cannot have shared commitment without shared understanding. Our expectations are based on the promises we think we have made.

Unspoken expectations are premeditative broken promises.

People do not care about your expectations.  Or mine. They care about the commitments we make and keep.

A promise is a personal commitment people expect you to honor.

There are 3 types of promises.

1. Strong/Healthy Promises

• Promises I am fully committed to keep; You can count on me.
• If I am unable to keep my promise, I can renegotiate my original promise
• i.e. I will meet you for coffee at 8 am. I will complete my assignment on time.

2.— Shallow Promises

• Look like a strong promise, but an unspoken condition exists.
• i.e. Yes, I will play golf with you on Saturday (unless it rains or something else comes up)

—3. Criminal Promises

• Promises that at the moment we make them, we know we have no intention of keeping
• i.e.  Maybe…My son asks me to play with him when I am done, and I tell him maybe

Promises unkept are NOT equal to expectations unmet. 

       What promises are you making?

       Are you honoring those promises?

       What promises are you fully committed to honoring?

       What promises do you need to renegotiate?

I’m wired to curiously explore the world I live in. To find finds ways to expand my comfort zone and go beyond what’s obvious to me.  I’m learning to unlearn the patterns of behavior that do not serve me.

I want to become the best version of myself and I want to help you do the same.

I’d never ask you to change or become the person I think you can be.  I want to inspire and motivate you into taking the deeply satisfying journey I am on.

Are you willing to unlearn and rewire your patterns?

Every day we get up and settle into playing roles. Roles push us into routines to comfortably cruise through the day, weeks, months, and years.

Routines are safe, comfortable and best friends with the reactive status quo.  They are fueled by the energy of doing to do.  Heads down and focused only on what is in front of us; never seeing the big picture in our lives.

I don’t want to spend my time and energy knocking things off a to-do list, handling the crisis du jour, watching the latest celebrity train wrecks, and getting up the next morning to repeat the same routine. I don’t want to live like that.

I want to be the superstar actor who gets to pick and choose the roles he plays.

Healthy proactively focused routines push us towards a life worth living. Our attention focuses on creating a future filled with new possibilities.

We look for and embrace new opportunities and experiences. We are curious and are always asking questions. We seek to expand our awareness of who we are and how the world sees us. We strive to become the best version of ourselves. We commit to the process.

I can’t just teach. I have to become more teachable myself.

How can I become the best version of myself if I am unwilling to challenges my attitude and belief system. I have to become a better student. I have to be willing to unlearn. I have to believe there is always more to learn.

Every moment provides an opportunity to learn and expand our possibilities.

Becoming teachable is not a quick fix magical smoothie we can drink for breakfast. It’s a lifelong practice of learning, unlearning, and relearning again.

Only you can decide if you are truly teachable.

Are you teachable?

Ever try driving a car with no hands and the peddle to the metal? Fear sets in…we are going to DIE!!! We pray for an unending straight away with no obstacles. Only one thing can result from this kind of reckless behavior…an epic crash!!!

Putting our hands on the steering wheel dramatically increases the thrill and excitement as we negotiate the road at high-speed. Heart-pumping adrenaline rush…we are alive!!!

Living without a sense of what we want is akin to driving with no hands on the wheel. An epic crash awaits without taking proactive action towards creating the life we desire.

What do you want?

Wants are not material desires. They are not the next iPhone or a new Macbook Air. Wants are much more satisfying and deeper than that. They are an emotional desire, something we crave or would like to accomplish. Desires excite and motivate us into action.

Determining our emotional wants does not come naturally. If it did, we would already know what we want and this discussion could end right here.

Passionate action comes from being connected to who we are, what we care about, and what we want. Here’s a few ways I’ve found helpful in determining what we want.

When was the last time you had conversation for future possibility with yourself?

In this conversation, you are only going to focus on what you want. Irrelevant thoughts, challenges, and risks will creep in. Acknowledge and park them in a parking lot for another time. This conversation is too important to let your resistance and fears get in the way.

Please try to avoid jumping straight into action. Reactive action puts us in the driver seat of a high-speed car without a steering wheel. Before we put our foot on the gas, we better be sure we want to travel down road in front of us.

Without wants, it’s easy to fall into the trap of doing to do.

Feeding our wants fuels our passion and thirst for life. We take action by following what is in our own heart. This is not what the market, your friends, or your family wants you to do. This is what do you and only you want.  Only you know what that is. Follow you.

What do you care about?  

Living our dreams is about committing to a world we care about. Operating on our cares enables us to be a part of something bigger than our selves. Freeing us to confidently be who we are in the world. The more connected you become to your cares, the easier it is to get behind the wheel and race at higher speeds.

What have you thought about doing, again and again, but have never started doing?

Thought, ideas, and feelings we repeatedly have are clues to what we desire most. What patterns of reoccurrence of these desires do you notice? Capture these events any way you can. Write a journal, take photos, shoot video, draw, paint, etc. Find a way to establish a tighter connect to what your heart desires. Need some guidance getting started? Take a quick personal inventory here.

The road of life is a journey that is full of heart pounding adrenaline pumping moments. Find what you want, and you will find all you are looking for.

What do you want?

Warning: Don’t believe this next statement unless you want to flourish.

We already know our future if we don’t continually take proactive action.

Our economic well-being demands perpetual reinvention. As the old saying goes, reinvent or die. This no longer a fancy tagline, it is required action to survive and succeed in today’s economic climate.

The days are long gone when a company could create a product and reap the rewards of its success for years to come.  Present day examples are all around you.

• Facebook was king of the castle and Twitter was the knight in shiny armor. Now there’s Google +. Remember MySpace? Me neither.
• Flip Camera ruled the pocket video cam game.  Now, your smartphone does.
• Mobile Apps are replacing websites and higher costs software programs.
• iPads are being integrated into the classroom and teaching our kids in a new way.

The list goes on and on. Product shelf lives are shrinking at a rapid pace.

New bright shiny objects capture the consumer attention faster than a speeding bullet. The masses will flock and cast aside what they once loved and cherished in favor of the new promised life-altering product. Blink and the next attraction will be on the horizon.

We already know our future if we don’t continually reinvent ourselves.

This concept does not stop at products; it extends into who you are, and what you want to be.

Look around at your co-workers, family, and friends. How many of them are doing jobs they are classically trained to do?  Are they highly skilled at their job or do their skills reside in a different area of expertise?  Are they satisfied and happy?

Chances are, these people are like most of the people I encounter every day. They are playing a role in their organization in order to survive, not thrive.

We can live a deeply meaningful life by continually reinventing ourselves.

Just like products run their course, so do roles we play in life.  We know our current role will come to an end.

Will we be ready when our new role emerges? Will it provide the deep personal meaning we are looking for?

We know everything we need to know right now to make a reasonable guess as to where things are headed.

Are you ready to reinvent?

Kids are brutally honest with their feelings, they know what they want, and they can resist change with every ounce of energy in their body.

My 3-year-old son wants to be like his oldest brother. He wants to play ice hockey. He DOES NOT want to skate.

His fears are putting up unnecessary walls of resistance. Whatever story he is telling himself makes him frightened to the point of an adamant NO.

I’m a strong believer in trying first, than deciding if you want to continue.  I refuse to accept NO without effort as a final response.

The local rink offered the perfect opportunity to give it a shot, they were hosting a fun and interactive learn to skate event. After a little encouragement, he stepped on the ice.

Watch what happens. Notice his progression out of his safety comfort zone into his empowered freedom zone.

Did you notice anything else?

Trying new things is what a kid’s life is all about. The learning doesn’t stop here.

I made this video to capture a life moment and to share it with my kids. I want them to be comfortable with living in a digital world. I want my kids to see how they show up in the world. I want them to learn from their experiences. More importantly, I want them to have fun celebrating the things they do and accomplish.

As a family, we celebrate these moments together. My son has watched this video 3 or 4 times. Each time he smiles and laughs at what he was able to do. His confidence and willingness to step into the unknown grows. He cannot wait to step on the ice again.

Inspired by my youngest son, my middle son asked to go skating today. He has refused to consider the possibility for over a year now. He is starring down his fears and I could not be any prouder.

At the time of this post, this video is less than 24 hours old and look at the impact it is having on my family life.  I felt inspired to share this story with you.

What do you feel inspired to do?

When the answers to our questions become obvious, then we have stopped flexing our imagination muscles. Pushing beyond the comforts of our default response occurs by accessing our imagination to explore the less apparent.

Imagination powerfully puts aside the past behaviors and outcomes to focus on the possibilities of the present moment. Right now is the opportunity to uncover new possibilities for our self.

Imagination is an expression our soul’s desires.

I used to be an avid golfer. I played 40+ rounds per year and carried a 10 handicap.  I cherish the memories of playing some of the world’s greatest golf courses. I learned so much about myself while chasing a white ball.

I shot my best rounds when I allowed my imagination to rule my play. Instead of analyzing and playing it safe, I‘d look for the most fun creative shot I could find and take it.

My simple philosophy was, don’t think, visualize, commit, swing.

The more imaginative detailed I added to my pre-shot visualization, the more successful I was in committing to and executing the shot. Visualize the line and target and watch the magic happen.

I did not arrive at this place easily.  I practiced. I failed, and then I practiced again and again.

First time I relied solely on my imagination was absolutely magical.

I was in Myrtle Beach with the guys as part of an annual golf getaway. We did not play your typical leisure rounds on these trips. Games were highly competitive with more than a few dollars on the line.

Round 1 was a disaster. I found every bunker on the course en route to a 116. Easily the worst round I had shot in years.  I choked under the pressure and allow external events beat me.

As I prepared for round 2, the obvious choice would have been to focus swing mechanics. I choose not to worry about them and to visualize every shot. It worked!  After 8 holes, I was 2 over par.  Then, I did the unthinkable; I abandoned my plan and stopped visualizing.  Failure quickly followed.

Three double bogeys later I was standing on the 12th tee shaking my head in disbelief. I recommitted to visualization and righted the ship finishing the day with an 84, 32 shots better than the day before.

My imagination helped me put aside behaviors that were preventing me from being more successful.

New possibilities were born by exploring the less obvious. I accomplished something I had only dreamed about. I did it! I shot a round of golf in the 80’s. In doing so I honored a part of me I was suppressing.

Using our imagination is honoring our soul’s desires.

Harnessing the power of your imagination is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.

How can you let your imagination run free?

The opportunity we have been waiting for is always present in our lives.  Being aware and knowing when to take advantage of them is at the heart of all life lessons.

As a parent of 3 boys (age 7, 6, and 3), I am lucky to be presented learning opportunities everyday.  Part of being a parent is to provide our kids with a safe loving learning environment.  As parents, we are responsible for doing the best we can to nurture and guide our kids through their own life lessons.

Truth is, our kids are equally guiding us through our own life lessons.

I awoke this past Monday morning to quiet and darkness. I started to drift back to sleep. Feverish panic began to set in.  We were late for a very important date. Clock read 6:07 and my son Riley (age 7) was due on the ice at 6:45 for his hockey lesson.

I rushed to get dressed and headed downstairs to hustle us out the door and to the rink.  To my surprise, early riser Riley was still asleep.  Further panic set in.  I don’t like to be late.

I feel I am breaking my commitments when I am.

With our amazing super human powers, we made it to the rink and on the ice by 6:43. Two minutes to spare. I went to get coffee while Riley casually warmed up. Peace and harmony re-emerged.

10 minutes passed and I returned.  Still no coach. In an effort to maximize our ice time, I game Riley some drills to work on.

10 more minutes passed. Riley was steaming mad.  The first words out of his mouth were…

“He is a good coach, but he is not committed to me”

WOW….all those conversations with him about committing to his school work, guitar, and skating skills were really sinking in.  He understood and was applying the concepts to the present moment. I have never been more proud of him.

Before we could continue the dialog, another coach invited Riley into his group. This diversion was perfectly timed. I needed to reflect and formulate a plan to help Riley through this moment.

How can we both learn from this opportunity?

Learning is not accomplished by telling or doing for. Learning is best accomplished by immersing our selves in the moment, communicating our feelings, and doing for our selves.

Instead of providing solutions or answers, I allowed Riley to arrive at his own answers.  I let him share his feelings. I let him decide what he wanted to do.  I let him make his own decisions.

In the process, I honored my commitment to him to provide a safe loving learning environment.

Together, we turned a potentially harmful experience into a wonderful learning opportunity.  We learned a few valuable life lessons from each other.

What opportunity does this story present you?