How often we fail to realize our good fortune in living in a country where happiness is more than a lack of tragedy. ~Paul Sweeney

10 years ago, I awoke to a beautiful morning very much like today. I worked in Pentagon City about a 1/4 mile from the Pentagon crash site.
While returning from getting coffee, the news was covering the 1st plane that went into the WTC. The 7th floor of my building was a buzz.

Moments later, we watched in horror as the 2nd plane went into the WTC.

Suddenly, it was no longer a beautiful day. I’d describe the mood of the floor as one of disbelief and subtle outrage.

Before we could really grasp what was going on, our building began to shake. The loud roar of the engines echoed in our hearts. We knew immediately another plane was going to crash.

The loud explosion rocked our building. The fireball seemed to reach the sky. People began to scream and run for the exits.

Fear and panic had ripped through the safety and comfort we held freely in our hearts.

As I watched the smoke, it dawned on me, my brother worked in the Pentagon. I called his office. The women who answered asked why I was so panicked. I told what was going on. Just as I finished, the alarm bells in the background began to ring. She said, “Tom is not here, I have to go.”

The plane took out a cell tower on its way in. It was near impossible to reach our loved ones. My only concern was to make sure my brother was okay and to convey the same to my wife.

Before I left the building, I sent an instant message to a friend in Atlanta telling him the news. He replied, stop spreading rumors, this news is not on the internet or TV. Nearest I can tell it took at least 15 minutes for the Radio/TV to announce the news. To this day, I still don’t know what to make of this curious reaction. This would only take seconds in today’s world.

As I exit the parking garage, the streets were full of people standing around. Seemingly paralyzed by what had just occurred. I can still see the looks on their faces. A look of not know what to do next. I saw the same looks here in DC during the earthquake a few weeks ago.

90 minutes and 5 miles later I arrived home. I was finally able to talk to my wife. I did not reach my brother until hours later. He was in the parking lot when the plane went in and immediately got in his car and left for home. I spent the rest of the day watching the news and praying for the families.

We all react to adversity in different ways. My reaction was calm. I did not feel fear, panic, or anger. I only felt a strong need to understand why these people felt the need to give their lives to make a political statement.

A tragedy occurred 10 years ago today. I have a special place in my heart for the brave men and women who have given their lives to protect our freedom.

Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom, must, like men, undergo the fatigue of supporting it. ~Thomas Paine

We cannot change the way people feel about us. We can choose the way we react to the events in our lives. We can choose not to rush to judgment, to forgive and let go of the past. The events 9/11 have helped teach me this lesson.

How did the events of 9/11 affect you? 

Let’s get this out-of-the-way…you are CREATIVE.  

Creativity is not reserved for the budding artists or musicians. It’s an integral part of who we are. The only thing that separates you from someone you view as more creative is a steady practice of using and developing your creative skills.

Creative people explore ideas, identify and solve problems, take risks, and expand the scope of what is possible. They are less self-interested and are more willing to engage and take a stronger interest in their own life.

Bubbling with creative energy, you are passionately alive.

Yet, much of society operates in a command and control environment. I ask, you do. Conditional relationships rule the day. Society isn’t fostering healthy creative relationships, it is attempting to dictate and control your behavior.

Is that how you want to live your life? 

Me neither. The only thing we can control is how we choose to show up and act. We have no one to blame. We are responsible for our own actions and behavior. We choose to store or release our creative energy. We choose to be creative or not.

Five keys to  fostering healthy creative relationships.

1. Freedom is control over our personal autonomy. Over control stifles our creative juices. People are more creative for others than they are for themselves. Give them permission to freely contribute in their own unique way. Help them feel they can work outside the scope of what’s asked of them, and think for themselves. Focus less on how things are done and more on outcome. Set people free, and you will set yourself free.
2. Friendlies encourage the quality of interaction over fierce competition. Create an environment where people support and add to each other’s contribution. Build interpersonal relationships that transcend an us versus them mentality. Reward collaboration over credit taking. Allow people to fail and to admit they don’t know what they don’t know. Encourage them to ask for help. Listen to their questions or concerns. Help them find the answers they seek. Curiously explore together. Be friendly.
3. Fun is playful behavior sparks our senses. We feel, taste, smell, imagine, hear, and follow the bliss of the moment. When we play…we prioritize every moment through curiosity, spontaneous adventure, and the value it will add to the fun factor. Fun reduces over inhibitions and raises our resistance to control. Life is suddenly less serious. Are we having fun yet?
4. Feedback  is a two-way conversation between mature adults. Be open and honest with people. Try not to judge or singled them out. When we judge, we  place conditions on relationships. I will only support you if you do x, y, and z. Judging is exactly what we do every time we complain, talk down to, or talk about someone behind their back. It takes 12 positive interactions to overcome the effects of one negative interaction. Spend more time thanking and praising people, and less time tear down their self-esteem. All change begins with you changing you attitude towards them. Next time you want to tear a person down, honestly ask yourself, what am I missing here? How can I help make this situation better? Accept responsibility for how you behave. Choose to unconditionally accept people for who they are. People who feel accepted for who they are will feel safe in sharing their ideas and contributing to yours. They will choose to seek and explore with you.
5. Flow is when time no longer matters. We are lost in the process of creation. We explore without succumbing to the pressure of our resistance. Passion and curiosity lead us to where we need to go. We follow without hesitation. We gladly jump into the river and let the current take us away. Flow invites more flow. Let go. Find your flow.

Your boundless creative energy is waiting to emerge. Release your conditional restraints and let your creativity flow. Find your key to becoming a creative genius.

Be the creative rock star I know you are.

What action can you take right now to release your creative energy?

We meet. We converse. We enjoyed each others company. We part ways. We leave the conversation wondering what we are supposed to do next.

Why was that interaction important to me?

Whether you have thought about it or not, you better start paying attention to the conversational reactions you are having. Internal conversations are distracting your attention and focus. They are preventing you from deepening your connection with the other person.

You are withholding the greatest gift you can give, your full conscious attention. Your future success depends on changing this behavior.

I know what you are thinking…another post telling me what to do…just what I needed.

{Insert sarcastic reaction here}

Before you exit stage left, let’s get one thing clear. You and I cannot have a conversation without your full participation. We cannot help each other become a better version of ourselves without engaging in a meaningful two-way conversation.

My intention is to elevate our conversation…help you find your own answers. 

Me standing on a soapbox preaching is a one-way conversation. This type of dialog is reserved for the politicians, salesmen, lobbyists, and preachers.  You could view this post as a sermon or you can view it as an opportunity to share your experiences while learning.

Don’t read the rest of this post unless you are teachable.

Coaching clients repeatedly ask if I learn from our conversations. The answer is a resounding YES. I learn how I show up in the world.  I learn what is important to me. I learn what I need to work on. My perceptions are challenged and I find new opportunities for growth. My coachees help me find my own answers.

Our true character is revealed in conversation.

Conversations are much more than an exchange of information. Our physical and emotional reactions are clues to discovering our truth. Try as we might, we cannot hide who we are from the people we interact with. Every dialog reveals who we are and how we see the world. Our core beliefs and emotional state of being are ever-present and accounted for.

Any attempts to internalize our thoughts and feelings will only result in masking our truth.

We cannot hide from our truth. We must be present, honest, and fully transparent with ourselves. Expansive growth comes from adopting these simple principles.

Unconscious conversing is akin to standing on a soapbox preaching.

Heightened awareness drives conscious communication. Learning how to raise our awareness opens the door to new possibilities. Good news is, conscious awareness is an easily learned skill.

Here’s some guiding principles to help you begin your learning.—

• We are who we are, and the other person is who they are
• The only one we can control is ourselves
• Our gender, cultural heritage, religion, family, occupations, education, social status, economic status, etc. mesh together to form our worldly view
• We are uniquely different from the next person, yet we are one with them
• Our emotions and moods play a vital role in our development
• We have emotional reactions during conversations
• We have physical reactions during conversations
• We use verbal language and body language to convey or protect our thoughts and feelings
• We may not feel safe in sharing our thoughts and feelings with others
• There’s a good chance we are completely transparent to the other people
• Ironically, we are blind (w/o conscious effort) to how we show up

WOW…that’s a lot to think about. Take a deep breath…hold it…let it out. This is important stuff to learn about ourselves.

Do you recognize why this is important? 

I hope you do.  Are you up for a little internal experimentation?  Of course you are.

There are many ways to become more self-aware. Allow me to offer two quick and easy to practice conversational self-awareness.

1. For 3 conversations every day during the next week, intentionally take notice to what happens during conversations.  Notice how your energy and mood shifts. Notice how your emotions trigger a reaction in your body. Are you engaging or withdrawing from the conversation? What else do you observe?
2. Select 3-5 conversations during the next week. Intentionally decide to take a certain attitude into it. In the first conversation, “AGREE” to everything that is being said, just go with it. In the next conversation, do the opposite and “DISAGREE.” Choose whatever attitude you want. The important thing is to try it. As with the previous practice, notice what is going on in your body and emotions.

What did you learn? Did you feel your awareness grow? 

Bonus practice: Try each practice by paying complete attention to the other person. Did you observe their reactionary shifts?

When you boil it down to its essence, all communication is about coordinating action with people. We fail when we are not clear with our language and intent.

What is obvious to me may not be obvious to you.

Relationships trust is established based on our ability to communicate in unison with each other. Healthy relationships are based on promise making, promise keeping, and promise managing. Promises are the foundation for our public identity, our effectiveness, and our well-being.

We may not call them commitments, but promises are agreements and decisions about who is going to do what, when, and how.  A commitment is a promise to ourselves and a promise to others.

We cannot have shared commitment without shared understanding. Our expectations are based on the promises we think we have made.

Unspoken expectations are premeditative broken promises.

People do not care about your expectations.  Or mine. They care about the commitments we make and keep.

A promise is a personal commitment people expect you to honor.

There are 3 types of promises.

1. Strong/Healthy Promises

• Promises I am fully committed to keep; You can count on me.
• If I am unable to keep my promise, I can renegotiate my original promise
• i.e. I will meet you for coffee at 8 am. I will complete my assignment on time.

2.— Shallow Promises

• Look like a strong promise, but an unspoken condition exists.
• i.e. Yes, I will play golf with you on Saturday (unless it rains or something else comes up)

—3. Criminal Promises

• Promises that at the moment we make them, we know we have no intention of keeping
• i.e.  Maybe…My son asks me to play with him when I am done, and I tell him maybe

Promises unkept are NOT equal to expectations unmet. 

       What promises are you making?

       Are you honoring those promises?

       What promises are you fully committed to honoring?

       What promises do you need to renegotiate?

The opportunity we have been waiting for is always present in our lives.  Being aware and knowing when to take advantage of them is at the heart of all life lessons.

As a parent of 3 boys (age 7, 6, and 3), I am lucky to be presented learning opportunities everyday.  Part of being a parent is to provide our kids with a safe loving learning environment.  As parents, we are responsible for doing the best we can to nurture and guide our kids through their own life lessons.

Truth is, our kids are equally guiding us through our own life lessons.

I awoke this past Monday morning to quiet and darkness. I started to drift back to sleep. Feverish panic began to set in.  We were late for a very important date. Clock read 6:07 and my son Riley (age 7) was due on the ice at 6:45 for his hockey lesson.

I rushed to get dressed and headed downstairs to hustle us out the door and to the rink.  To my surprise, early riser Riley was still asleep.  Further panic set in.  I don’t like to be late.

I feel I am breaking my commitments when I am.

With our amazing super human powers, we made it to the rink and on the ice by 6:43. Two minutes to spare. I went to get coffee while Riley casually warmed up. Peace and harmony re-emerged.

10 minutes passed and I returned.  Still no coach. In an effort to maximize our ice time, I game Riley some drills to work on.

10 more minutes passed. Riley was steaming mad.  The first words out of his mouth were…

“He is a good coach, but he is not committed to me”

WOW….all those conversations with him about committing to his school work, guitar, and skating skills were really sinking in.  He understood and was applying the concepts to the present moment. I have never been more proud of him.

Before we could continue the dialog, another coach invited Riley into his group. This diversion was perfectly timed. I needed to reflect and formulate a plan to help Riley through this moment.

How can we both learn from this opportunity?

Learning is not accomplished by telling or doing for. Learning is best accomplished by immersing our selves in the moment, communicating our feelings, and doing for our selves.

Instead of providing solutions or answers, I allowed Riley to arrive at his own answers.  I let him share his feelings. I let him decide what he wanted to do.  I let him make his own decisions.

In the process, I honored my commitment to him to provide a safe loving learning environment.

Together, we turned a potentially harmful experience into a wonderful learning opportunity.  We learned a few valuable life lessons from each other.

What opportunity does this story present you?

Solo warrior is a lifestyle that does not really suit me. I quickly associate thoughts loneliness with this lifestyle. Working by myself. Keeping my life private while spending days without meaningful human interaction.  Living like this doesn’t seem that appealing to me.

Yet, if I am honest with myself, I’ve live as a solo warrior from time to time. I found peace and serenity.  I’ve gotten lost in my own self-reflection and activity.

I checked out of community and checked into me. I’d pass my time by reading a good book or writing. I’d go on adventures by myself with limited human contact. I speak proudly when I tell these stories. I cherish these romantic memories.

Strangely, I never felt alone. I felt closer to everything I came in contact with. I felt connection and meaning in the world. The more I checked out, the more I craved a solo warrior life style.

I never fully committed to this life style. Something was missing and I did not feel whole. Social intimacy was missing.  My casual conversations with strangers rarely evolve into something beyond clichés and surface level sharing.  I missed the group connection of a community. I began to fight back.

I’d strike up conversations with strangers and push them as deep as people will safely go. I joined twitter chats and attempt to move beyond the group think mentality. I stretch the boundaries of my comfort zone. I push myself to put my thoughts into the world.

Our ideas form by sharing them. They mutate, spread, and grow in strength. Our ideas are an unstoppable force connecting us to our community.

Our ideas contribute to the conversation is ways we cannot image. Contribution fuels our growth and stimulate our desires for greater connection and life meaning.

Becoming part of something is a choice. Only we can decide to become part of a relationship, team, community, tribe, etc. Only we can choose to find connection and meaning in the world around us.

The choice is ours and ours alone to make.

I made a choice. I took a leap of faith. I trusted myself to find safety and comfort to be myself in the world. I will continue to ever expand my comfort zone. I love who I am today. I love the communities I have become apart of.

Make the same choice and watch how your life changes for the better. Watch how you become an unstoppable force.

What would you like to contribute to this community?

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”  - Plato

Plato wasn’t just talking about each of us having different perspectives. He was referencing our ability to see the inner beauty of the world around us. He was imploring us to activate our senses and fill our soul with wonderment.

A few years ago, I had an experience that changed my life. Prior to it, I thought I lived by Plato’s guidance. I thought I knew beauty and beauty knew me. I was wrong.

I was too self absorbed to understand the unlimited possibilities that come with wonderment. Occasionally, I ventured to the deep end. Mostly, I swam safely in the kiddie pool.

One day, something magical happened.  I was in a conference and a beautiful attractive athletic woman walked through the door. Her energy field was magnetic. I was drawn into her vortex. What happened next is so out of my personality I still can’t explain it.

I jumped out of my chair and went over to talk to her. The blood was pumping through my veins. She was strong, confident, out going, and athletic. She was perfect. I could have spent the rest of the day standing in the middle of the room listening to her stories.

Luckily, the conference was about to start and we had to return to our seats. I’m not sure if I would have been able to drag myself away without an excuse. As I returned to my seat, I asked myself what the hell just happened. Did I really just get up and run across the room to talk to someone I did not know? I am a happily married man. What am I doing? I was dazed and confused.

The conference began and I turned my attention to the subject at hand. I tried to distract my thoughts, but I couldn’t. I glance over to where she was siting. To my surprise, I did not see the same beautiful attractive athletic woman. Instead, I saw an uninspiring lonely woman 100lbs over weight sitting all by her self. She was part of the scenery, not the scenery.

I was no longer dazed and confused. I had clearly seen her inner beauty. I had a soul connection with a total stranger and we were one for that moment in time.

I was given a tremendous gift, the ability to recognize beauty in everything around me. I’ve spent the days since that moment curiously searching for inner beauty in others and myself.  I truly live in a state of wonderment.

How do you cultivate curiosity in your life?

My son is a non-stop question machine. Saturday night he asked a question that still stirs inside me today. He has posed some big thoughts and questions to me before, and I am usually not thrown by them.

I’ve come to expect the unexpected from him. This time, I was caught off guard and thrown for a loop. It was not your typical 7-year-old question.

Riley has a very active imagination. He is a big picture guy full of deep thoughts. He brings a creative non-linear approach to everything he does. High speed and intensity are the only way he knows to physically operate. Yet, there is a profound introspective search for life’s meaning going on behind the scene.

Saturday’s dialog provided one of those unexpected moments. In retrospect, I should not have been surprised; the context of the question fits his modus operandi.

Riley asked me, “What do you struggle with most in life?”

Friends, mentors, coaches, and potential employers have asked me this question. I never in my wildest dreams thought my 7-year-old son would ask me this question.

The question was an open invitation to a larger more important conversation.

I needed to take advantage of this opening and maximize this father-son bonding moment.

“Patience” was the answer I provided. I further explained…

Like you, I operate at a fast pace. I decide and do. I resist people’s attempts to slow me down. I get frustrated when they are not seeing things the way I do. I want to have fun and be happy. I cannot do that when I am frustrated by my impatience.

I try hard to slow down and to allow people to move at their own pace. To be successful, I have to recognize when I am being  impatient. When I am frustrated, I am most likely being impatient. Sometimes patience comes easy for me, sometimes it doesn’t. I make mistakes. I do the best I can do.

I asked Riley why he asked this question. Riley responded by telling me he thinks he struggles with being patient. 2 days later, our dialog has continued. I have learned a great deal from our conversations. Mostly, I have forged a deeper bond with my son.

Every conversation is an opportunity to create a deeper more meaningful connection with another person. Every day, we have opportunities to share what we have learned and to make a difference in someone’s life. More importantly, we have an opportunity to allow people to make a difference in our life.

What profound questions have kids asked you? How did you respond? How were you changed?

Last month, I asked you to join me in a month-long daily gratitude practice. I had no expectations. I only offered a practice that greatly benefits me in my daily life. You touched me with your kindness and generosity. I am truly inspired by your participation.

I learned the more I express gratitude, the more I allow myself to open my heart and better appreciate all the wonderful things in my life.  I learned to see gratitude through your eyes. I learned I enjoy my journey more when others play along.

I am deeply grateful for the people who helped spread the word and fully embraced this daily practice. You have helped me more fully embrace who I am. I am forever thankful for your direct and indirect influence.

During the month of December, I invite you to join me in another learning opportunity.  An opportunity to share your gratitude more directly with others.

Are you up to a new challenge?

Of course you are.  So here’s what I have in mind. 

Giving a gift a day for 30 days.

Gifts come in all shapes and sizes. True gifts come from our heart. They are delivered with genuine sincerity and with no expectations. They are an expression of who we are. They are something of need for the person receiving the gift.  They are given to people we know or total strangers.

The daily practice is simple, give a gift of some kind to anyone you want.

What are gifts? Here’s some food for thought.

• Words of Gratitude. Expressing our deepest sincerity for the people who make a difference in our lives.
• Acts of Services. Doing favors. Lending a helping hand. Saying “Yes” to a request when our first thought is to say “No.”
• Gift of Quality Time.  Spend quality time with a person with no strings attached. For the sake of being present and enjoying their company.
• Gift of money. Buy coffee or lunch. Donate to a food or toys.

Share your gifts in any way, shape or form. There is no set method for your daily gift practice. All I ask is you

Have fun. Get creative. Stretch yourself. Commit to a daily practice. You can do it.

On December 1st, you have an opportunity to join a group in a month-long quest.  I invite you to commit to a month-long journey of deliberately giving from your heart.

Will you commit to daily gift giving?

Please join me in 30 days of daily status updates sharing the gifts you have given. If you are using Twitter, please add the hashtag #30Gifts to your tweets so we can follow along and celebrate your success. On Facebook, “like” the WeVivify page and tag your status update with WeVivify (@WeVivify).

I trust you will find this learning experience fun and exciting. I look forward to hearing what you learned from your daily gift practice.

Thank you for allowing me to share a gift with you.

Scientific research suggests multitasking leads to distracted attention spans, unforced errors, and longer completion times. While all of those things have a strong impact on human productivity, they have a greater impact on our personal growth. Our fragmented efforts keep us from connecting with our true needs. Multitasking encourages more distractions to keep us from being present in the now.

Multitasking is the archenemy of living in the now.

I used to multitask with the best of them. I was proud of my abilities. I bragged about them. I helped a company market their product leveraging multitasking as the primary benefit. I was more efficient than the rest of you.

I pretended I had special abilities that separated me from the pack. I pretended my actions did not have an impact on my results. I pretended I was authentic and real. I pretended I present in the now. The only person I was fooling was myself.

Multitasking distracted me from who I am.

Distractions kept me from truly connecting with myself. I had to slow down. I had to stop multitasking. I had to become more present in the now. I had to connect with my thoughts and feelings. I had to do all this before I could find the meaning I was looking for in life.

We need connection to provide meaning in our lives.

My protectionist strategy delivered the exact opposite of what my heart desired. I failed. I wasn’t connecting with people or opportunities I was being presented.  I hid from my feelings. I hid from myself. I refused to allow myself to be vulnerable. I played it safe.

Being vulnerability leads to greater connection.

I had to learn to allow myself to be me. I had to learn to see others and situations for what they are. I had to learn to love myself before I could be vulnerable with others.

I struggle with challenges everyday. I fall back into old ingrained patterns. I dig myself back out. I am not afraid to be vulnerable with you. I find comfort and safety in sharing my story with you. In doing so, I learn from you. I learn from myself.  I love who I am and I am perfect just the way I am.  So are you.

Multitasking was a convenient excuse for me. It was easy to blame something or someone else for my own shortcomings and lack of awareness. The truth is, multitasking is just one of many behavioral roadblocks I placed in front of myself to keep me from being vulnerable.

I am not on this journey alone. I’ve had plenty of help along the way. I am deeply grateful to those who have provided support and direction. Together, we help each other. We are one.

I help people find safety and comfort to be themselves in the world.

How can I help you?